Dear Brothers and Sisters,
I know I don’t come here very often any more, however I don’t know where else to go. You see I have a dark secret that I’ve been keeping to myself for some time. I’m depressed. I’ve been battling it for about four years now, and I don’t know what to do.
For those of you who may not know, I’ve been a member of Shaolin Wahnam since 2006. When I first met Sifu I was very depressed, I suffered from asthma, and I was just all around a miserable person. My first course was the Intensive Shaolin Kung-Fu Course, and it was a very challenging course. I had had just shy of three years’ experience in a different school’s Kung-Fu when I attended the course. However I was woefully under prepared for the intensity of Sifu’s teaching. Sifu rode me very hard, and I honestly believed that he hated me. I’m not sure if he was expecting me to quit the course, however I persevered (although I dreaded every training session).
After the course however, I practiced very diligently what he had taught me. I practiced almost every day without fail (I missed the odd day). Anyway over time I started to transform, the process was very unpleasant as the old petty, vengeful, and selfish me did not want to go, but slowly and arduously he was forced out. I think it’s interesting, when I first wanted to learn Kung-fu I desired power, I wanted to know the secrets of internal force training. However over time, I started to experience what Sifu calls “the subtle joys of stance training,” and gradually I began to experience the Infinite Ultimate. From my own experience, I can say that there is no greater pleasure that one can have than being in the presence of the Devine. I gradually fell in love with that which is nameless, and for a time, I believed I would become a monk, and seek God professionally. However it eventually occurred to me that I did not need to live a monk’s life to seek God, as I was already so unbelievably efficient that I could visit with God twice a day, and then just enjoy my work and play. And as I went about my work and play I was radiating with that Divine joy, and bringing joy to other people.
Anyway, the time eventually came when Sifu said it was time for me to get a wife. He gave me some very specific instructions to follow to help the process along. Now at this point, I had become very powerful psychically, and I ended up doing something that was unethical. I did not believe that it was unethical at the time (otherwise I never would have done it), however it was, and I suffered for it. Eventually, I told Sifu what I had done, and he told me that since I had been motivated by good, the repercussions were not as severe as they could have been, and he gave me some instructions to remedy the situation. In the meantime, I was in excruciating pain, and I lowered my level of practice dramatically, while I performed remedial exercises. It took close to a year, however I eventually repaired the damage I had done.
After I was recovered, I tried to visit God again, however I found I was no longer able to find him. The year of incredibly low level practice had taken its toll, and I was separated from him. I contacted Sifu regarding my inability to find God, and he graciously offered to let me attend the Intensive Chi-Kung Course with his compliments. I was ecstatic, as I knew that I would see God again very soon. I didn’t manage to see God on the course, however I figured it would just take time. Anyway, after a year of practicing the rule of three (don’t worry, don’t intellectualize, and enjoy your practice) I still could not find the Divine, so I decided to attend the Intensive Zen Course, afterward I continued practicing the rule of three, however I still could not find God. I have attended a number of courses since then, but I still can’t find the Divine. I’ve always assumed that I was doing something to block the transmission, however I think it’s clear now that Sifu just isn’t transmitting at the level he used to.
I’ve tried reaching out to Sifu a few times to explain my situation, however he has responded by saying that I don’t need high level practice. And, whilst I understand that I don’t need high level practice per se, I know that my Chi-Kung will sustain me, and I will likely be healthy for the rest of my life. I feel incredibly empty without God.
I’ve also had Sifu suggest that I might be over training, and whilst I realize that it’s a serious problem in our school, I honestly don’t believe that I’ve ever had a regular over training problem. I did however agree with him that I must be over training as I did not want to be disrespectful. In retrospect, I wonder if it was more disrespectful to agree with his diagnosis, when I believed it to be incorrect. If it was, then I am truly sorry, and I sincerely meant no disrespect.
I should state that I both love and respect my Sifu deeply, he saved my life, and I will always be grateful to him for that. He is also probably the wisest man that I know, and is probably the closest thing that I have to a real father figure in this world. But, I am also terribly frightened of him (I have been since my first course), and it takes me a great deal of courage to try to talk to him. I wrote him in the fall, and tried to explain how depressed I felt, but I offended him, and I felt even more terrible for it.
I’m not sure what to do, I feel hopeless. I currently practice one to two hours of sitting meditation a day (from another school), and I get results that are not anywhere near what I used to be able to achieve with a ten minute session of Chi-Kung. I’ve become a slave to my training, and I’m still not able to find God. At the best of times (I’m ashamed to say) my life is just a boring slur without God, and at the worst of times it finds me crying in my room, because I feel so alone without him.
I’m not sure if Sifu is certain that he will never teach like he used to again, and if so, it is certainly his choice. But, I feel incredibly empty now, and would give just about anything to be able to practice like I used to.
Anyway, thanks for listening Brothers and Sisters.
Sincerely,
Daniel
I know I don’t come here very often any more, however I don’t know where else to go. You see I have a dark secret that I’ve been keeping to myself for some time. I’m depressed. I’ve been battling it for about four years now, and I don’t know what to do.
For those of you who may not know, I’ve been a member of Shaolin Wahnam since 2006. When I first met Sifu I was very depressed, I suffered from asthma, and I was just all around a miserable person. My first course was the Intensive Shaolin Kung-Fu Course, and it was a very challenging course. I had had just shy of three years’ experience in a different school’s Kung-Fu when I attended the course. However I was woefully under prepared for the intensity of Sifu’s teaching. Sifu rode me very hard, and I honestly believed that he hated me. I’m not sure if he was expecting me to quit the course, however I persevered (although I dreaded every training session).
After the course however, I practiced very diligently what he had taught me. I practiced almost every day without fail (I missed the odd day). Anyway over time I started to transform, the process was very unpleasant as the old petty, vengeful, and selfish me did not want to go, but slowly and arduously he was forced out. I think it’s interesting, when I first wanted to learn Kung-fu I desired power, I wanted to know the secrets of internal force training. However over time, I started to experience what Sifu calls “the subtle joys of stance training,” and gradually I began to experience the Infinite Ultimate. From my own experience, I can say that there is no greater pleasure that one can have than being in the presence of the Devine. I gradually fell in love with that which is nameless, and for a time, I believed I would become a monk, and seek God professionally. However it eventually occurred to me that I did not need to live a monk’s life to seek God, as I was already so unbelievably efficient that I could visit with God twice a day, and then just enjoy my work and play. And as I went about my work and play I was radiating with that Divine joy, and bringing joy to other people.
Anyway, the time eventually came when Sifu said it was time for me to get a wife. He gave me some very specific instructions to follow to help the process along. Now at this point, I had become very powerful psychically, and I ended up doing something that was unethical. I did not believe that it was unethical at the time (otherwise I never would have done it), however it was, and I suffered for it. Eventually, I told Sifu what I had done, and he told me that since I had been motivated by good, the repercussions were not as severe as they could have been, and he gave me some instructions to remedy the situation. In the meantime, I was in excruciating pain, and I lowered my level of practice dramatically, while I performed remedial exercises. It took close to a year, however I eventually repaired the damage I had done.
After I was recovered, I tried to visit God again, however I found I was no longer able to find him. The year of incredibly low level practice had taken its toll, and I was separated from him. I contacted Sifu regarding my inability to find God, and he graciously offered to let me attend the Intensive Chi-Kung Course with his compliments. I was ecstatic, as I knew that I would see God again very soon. I didn’t manage to see God on the course, however I figured it would just take time. Anyway, after a year of practicing the rule of three (don’t worry, don’t intellectualize, and enjoy your practice) I still could not find the Divine, so I decided to attend the Intensive Zen Course, afterward I continued practicing the rule of three, however I still could not find God. I have attended a number of courses since then, but I still can’t find the Divine. I’ve always assumed that I was doing something to block the transmission, however I think it’s clear now that Sifu just isn’t transmitting at the level he used to.
I’ve tried reaching out to Sifu a few times to explain my situation, however he has responded by saying that I don’t need high level practice. And, whilst I understand that I don’t need high level practice per se, I know that my Chi-Kung will sustain me, and I will likely be healthy for the rest of my life. I feel incredibly empty without God.
I’ve also had Sifu suggest that I might be over training, and whilst I realize that it’s a serious problem in our school, I honestly don’t believe that I’ve ever had a regular over training problem. I did however agree with him that I must be over training as I did not want to be disrespectful. In retrospect, I wonder if it was more disrespectful to agree with his diagnosis, when I believed it to be incorrect. If it was, then I am truly sorry, and I sincerely meant no disrespect.
I should state that I both love and respect my Sifu deeply, he saved my life, and I will always be grateful to him for that. He is also probably the wisest man that I know, and is probably the closest thing that I have to a real father figure in this world. But, I am also terribly frightened of him (I have been since my first course), and it takes me a great deal of courage to try to talk to him. I wrote him in the fall, and tried to explain how depressed I felt, but I offended him, and I felt even more terrible for it.
I’m not sure what to do, I feel hopeless. I currently practice one to two hours of sitting meditation a day (from another school), and I get results that are not anywhere near what I used to be able to achieve with a ten minute session of Chi-Kung. I’ve become a slave to my training, and I’m still not able to find God. At the best of times (I’m ashamed to say) my life is just a boring slur without God, and at the worst of times it finds me crying in my room, because I feel so alone without him.
I’m not sure if Sifu is certain that he will never teach like he used to again, and if so, it is certainly his choice. But, I feel incredibly empty now, and would give just about anything to be able to practice like I used to.
Anyway, thanks for listening Brothers and Sisters.
Sincerely,
Daniel
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