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Thread: My Dark Secret

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Massachusetts, USA
    Just my two cents:
    - You love and respect Sifu deeply. It seems that you're conflicted, because you're not following his directions. I can't, of course, know what Sifu has told you in private, but nothing Sifu has ever said publicly has encouraged sitting meditation for any length of time, definitely not 2 hours, and definitely not for someone experiencing mental/spiritual imbalance, like you are currently.
    - Imho, you are grasping for outcomes. Honestly, your initial "seeing God" may have done you more harm than good. You may now feel entitled to His Grace, without having learnt the real lessons needed to maintain it. This may be why when you attained so much mental power, the Cosmic Safety Valve prevented you from causing yourself irreparable karmic harm, by doing you the favor of reducing your spiritual/mental power. God might have intentionally put you in a safe space If Sifu indeed does teach at a "lower" level, it's because lower level is BETTER, not because he wants to keep you from the good stuff.
    - Ask God for forgiveness. Enjoy your practice. This is all you can do. And all you really need to do imho. You cannot allow God's grace while crying about being separate from Him.
    - since you sound spiritually inclined, I suggest you try praying. The Lord's Prayer is a good one. Your will, not mine be done. Amen. Your vision for what God wants for you is almost certainly not what He wants for you, and that's contributing to your feeling like everything's not going the way you want anymore. This can help you let go and let God, releasing your mental tensions.

    Best Wishes,
    Last edited by AlexBaranosky; 11th April 2018 at 04:47 AM.
    "Take a moment to feel how wonderful it feels just to be alive."
    - Sifu

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jan 2006

    Cool Light and Up or even Down, then again, All Around.....

    Hi Daniel,

    maybe consider the letting go as as lesson/journey.
    If you had a bar of soap and clung on for dear life and squeezed it so hard because you wanted to hang onto it, because you felt it was the right thing to do the soap would easily pop out of your hands with the pressure you apply. Then consider you may get uncomfortable as the soap is no longer in your grasp. The soap however can be used once or twice a day, then placed on the side of the bath tub or shower until next time. In short, when you have something, there's no need to apply pressure and hang on, just make the best use of what you have in the most proficient way.

    On God; Wether we realise it or not, we are all 'in love'. We are constantly surrounded 'in love' and we have always been and will always be 'in love'. God is constant and always will be around us, in us and with us. It doesn't matter if we forget, it's just the way it is! So relax, don't worry and enjoy life! We can also say the love is an aspect of light!

    Enlightenment? Well lets ask, does it really matter? As above so below! If and when one can live a life in the phenomenal world with joy, happiness and grace, surely that is all that matters. there are some who wish to ascend upwards to the light, but it is everywhere there are just different degrees of it and the mind can perceive it in whatever way it wants. A rock is fully enlightened, it is the most dense material form and 'reflects as above' in its purest phenomenal form. It's just being a rock!

    On speaking to someone recently who was experiencing dark thoughts, they said that they didn't understand then and why the were so dark. It was this conversation that surrendered a great gift. It occurred the to me that to understand the thought was quite challenging and what came from that was this.
    Imagine a thought as an Apple. What is it you don't understand about an Apple?

    Thanks you for sharing and posting your Darkest thoughts. It has inspired Light in its responses from the Brothers and Sisters here. It's been a joy reading the feed back and experiences of all, quite a useful and productive thread.

    Best Wishes

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Alicante, Spain

    Finding Balance in The Five Balls

    Dear Shaolin Wahnam Family,

    First of all, I would like to thank Daniel Sidai for sharing so openly his journey. And thank you to all the participants of this thread for sharing your insights as it greatly enriches it and makes it even more meaningful.

    When I first read the thread, an analogy that I once read long ago came to my mind. Instead of writing about it, I preferred to create a video for Daniel Sidai and the beautiful Shaolin Wahnam Family.

    I believe that many of us, if not all, have many challenges along our Shaolin Journey. Sharing them openly creates the opportunity to help each other in moments of difficulty and also it brings the opportunity of learning from each other. After all, we are a family and helping and sharing with each other are some of the things that makes this family a blessing.

    Please enjoy the video

    With Love, Care and Shaolin Salute,


  4. #24
    Charles David's Avatar
    Charles David is offline Sifu Charles Chalmers - Instructor, Shaolin Wahnam Canada
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Brunei Darussalam
    Dan, my brother!

    Greetings from Borneo!

    My first impulse is to make a joke, to help you laugh. Have you considered that living in Calgary may be "making you depressed"? Of course not. But maybe?? I'm just saying. Maybe the South China Sea could help you.

    Anyway. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. Others have already chimed in with good advice, so I'm not sure how much more good advice you need. But here goes:

    If you are looking to Shaolin for help: back off on the long hours meditating. Like Zhang Wuji, I also spend far less time on my practice than I used to. That said, I make a daily habit of doing my chi kung: "Relax. Smile from the Heart, Let Go..."

    I will commiserate some with you, and maybe that is where my advice can be helpful: I too struggle with the effects of deep karma. There's no other way for me to put it now. I sometimes forget, and suffer. But there has never, ever been a time when doing my chi kung has not helped me.

    Chi kung helps--usually profoundly--every single time.

    So do it.

    I hope to see you again really soon in Sabah, or Penang. I'll even be back in Canada this summer to visit my mother in Kelowna, if you want to get together to practice lazily by Okanagan lake...

    Talk soon.


    Charles David Chalmers
    Brunei Darussalam

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Calgary Alberta Canada
    Dear Brothers and Sisters,

    Thank you very much for all of the love and guidance, it means a great deal to me.

    I figured I should take a moment and update all of you. Iíve been struggling for the past month, trying to regain my lost skills. Iíve had several conversations with Sifu, and he has been a tremendous help. His kindness truly knows no bounds, and I am very grateful to be both his student and a member of our school.

    Anyway, I had a bit of a breakthrough earlier this week, and now I am able to practice deeply again for the first time in several years. Itís fantastic, and I donít feel depleted all of the time anymore. I am slightly concerned however as entering a deep chi-kung state of mind does not feel quite right. I know what it should feel like, and it does not feel like that. In fact it bears a striking similarity to an experience I had years ago.

    For a large part of my life Iíve had issues with the muscles that control my hands. I recall attending a course with Sifu and him instructing me to practice Lifting the Sky and really try to bend my hands into place. Back in 2011, I lowered my practice to do just that and bend my hands, however I did not make much progress. After a few months of trying to fix my hands, I decided to abandon my attempts, and I went back to practicing as deep as I could; however it was not correct practice. I practiced diligently, and after a while I started to find it difficult to sleep. I just assumed that it was some sort of cleansing, and I continued my practice. After a while I started to develop a pain in my head which grew in strength until every time I was awake I had dull pain in my head. The pain grew stronger whenever I would read or view a computer screen, and it made tending to my responsibilities rather difficult.

    Anyway, I attended the Intensive Tai Chi Chuan Course in 2012, and within the first session of Entering Tao, my problem was fixed. Well, actually it took a few months of correct practice to remedy the deviation, but after the first session I had the tools, and I knew it.

    When I go my deepest right now it feels strikingly similar to how it felt at the onset of the deviation back in 2011. I donít have any problems reading yet, but I am starting to have difficulty sleeping, and it has me concerned. On the one hand it feels great to go deep again, and have sufficient reserves of energy to enjoy life. Yet, I also donít want to deviate again.

    I suspect now that the blockage preventing me from going deep is gone, (like last time) all I will need is a good transmission from Sifu on how to go deep correctly and I will be right as rain. I just hope that Sifu will be kind enough to help me, I feel like Iíve bothered him an inordinate amount of time in this past month, and Iím sure heís tired of hearing from me.

    Anyway, I just wanted to update and thank all of you.

    Much Love Brothers and Sisters,


    PS Good joke about Calgary Charles.

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