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Thread: A Shaolin Grandmaster's Best Advice for Wholesome Family Life

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    A Shaolin Grandmaster's Best Advice for Wholesome Family Life

    Dear readers,

    I compiled all the topical exchanges from our beloved Grandmaster's Q&A series for everyone's review. This is a good read! Thank you Sigung for giving so good advice to both men and women how to live a wholesome and happy life together. Your responses are heart warming and full of practical wisdom.

    Mandatory reading for all Sifu Joan's students!

    Starting with:

    Advices for Fertility, Pregnancy, and Conceiving Good Children

    Question 8

    I am a reader and practitioner of your work, "The Art of Chi Kung", a book that I consider magnificent and everyone should have.

    In this book you mention amongst other exercises, a practice called Absorb Moon Essence of the respected Chinese doctor, Chao Yuan Fang, which I would like to incorporate into my practice, but I just do not quite understand how to do it well. Do I have to practice the exercise at full moon, crescent moon, etc.

    Is it necessary to practice precisely the time the moon set or anytime, and how many times I have to do the exercise? May I ask if you would be so kind to detail it? I greatly appreciate the attention to this mail, I hope for your valuable response and I send a cordial greeting.

    — Gabriela, Mexico

    Answer

    Thank you for your kind words about my book, "The Art of Chi Kung"¯. Many other people too have kindly consider it a magnificent book.

    Regarding the exercise recommended by the famous Chinese doctor, Chao Yuan Fang, the essence of the exercise is to draw lunar or moon energy. It is not very important at what date of the night you perform the exercise. But you will get the best result when the moon is full and when the moon is new, i.e. the first night and the fifteen night of the lunar month. As you have to draw lunar energy, it is obvious that you need to perform the exercise at night, and not in the daytime. It is also not very important at what time of the night you perform the exercise, but the best time is between 11 p.m. and 1 a.m. at midnight.

    You can draw the moon energy for any suitable number of times. A recommended number is between 10 and 20 times. You draw the moon energy by gently breathing in through your nose and gently breathing in through your mouth facing the moon, or facing the direction of where you think the moon is if it does not appear clearly in the sky. It is best if you can bend your body or your head so that the two holes of your nostrils face the moon. It this is too tiring, you can stand upright. For those who are old or weak, they may sit on a chair.

    This exercise is excellent for improving a woman's fertility. Two other chi kung exercises excellent for improving a woman's fertility are "Pushing Mountain"¯ and "Nourishing Kidneys"¯. You can find them in my chi kung book. These two exercises are also excellent for many other benefits.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans15a/jun15-2-keep.html JUNE 2015 PART 2


    Question 5

    My practice is going very well and it is helping me a lot. At the beginning of January I stopped my medicine, so I could become pregnant. I didn't expect it to be so soon! So now I am 4 weeks pregnant!

    I wanted to ask you if it is OK to practice. Is there anything that I have to be careful about? I don't know where to focus: at my head (what I used to do until now), at my baby or in my entire body to give me strength in general? I think chi is very powerful to focus on my fragile baby.

    — Effie, Greece

    Answer

    I am so happy to know that you are pregnant. Congratulations. Bringing life to the world and becoming a mother is one of the greatest blessings any woman can have.

    From now to about three months of your pregnancy, you can carry on practicing your chi kung as usual, except that you should be more gentle and take care not to over-practice. Indeed, you should under-practice, i.e. practice in less time and in less intensity than what you do in ordinary times.

    Many people mistakenly think that as they become pregnant, they should practice more for the baby. This is incorrect regarding high-level chi kung. They forget that a baby's needs are different from an adult's needs. As you have correctly mentioned, focusing chi on a baby may be too powerful.

    This means you should not send chi directly to your baby, such as using visualization or directing chi there with your palm. But you and your husband can, and should, caress the baby lovingly with your hands. As you caress, gently think of the baby lovingly. The baby will appreciate it and it is excellent for his or her pre-natal development.

    You need not focus on any part of your body during your practice or chi flow. Just enjoy wu-wei, i.e. let the chi flow where it flows. Your chi flow should not be vigorous.

    From the third month of pregnancy onward, you need not practice chi kung forms. Just go into gentle chi flow from your standing meditative position. The chi flow must be gentle. There is no need to focus the chi flow at any part of your body. You may, once a while, gently think of your baby with love and care while enjoying your chi flow, but do not consciously direct your chi to your baby. If chi naturally flows to your baby, without you actively directing it, it is fine.

    The following is an excellent exercise you can perform any time during pregnancy. Go into a chi kung state of mind. Gently think of your baby developing healthily and beautifully, and when the time is right, the delivery of your baby will be safe, normal and pleasant.

    It is important that you must not use any force, physical or mental, while performing this excellent exercise. This is actually a serious exercise, but treat it like fun, i.e. if it brings the desired result, wonderful; if it does not bring any result, it doesn't matter.

    This is also a very safe exercise that can be performed safely by any pregnant woman as long as she performs it gently. Tell your friends about this excellent exercise, including men so that they may tell their wives and daughters. It is a great blessing to help expecting mothers safely and pleasantly bring life to our world.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans09a/may09-1.html May 2009 (Part 1)


    Question 6

    I just found out that my wife is pregnant. I'm so happy! Then some friends started saying all the horrible things about pregnancy like bloatedness, water retention and nausea. Those negative symptoms sound like a pregnancy is something to be dreaded.

    — Yang, Singapore

    Congratulations. To be a father or mother is one of the most wonderful gifts of marriage. Cherish this gift, and love your wife and children even more.

    Don't worry about the negative things some of your friends say about pregnancy, even though they may mean well. They are mis-informed. Pregnancy and subsequent safe delivery of the baby are natural happenings. You can bet your last dollar on that. Pregnancy and safe delivery have happened since humans appeared on earth, and they will continue to happen for millennia. They have brought joy and life, and will continue to bring joy and life.

    It is a fact that some people are negative. If the sun shines, they complain it is hot. If it rains, they complain why the sun does not shine. If they are poor, they wonder why they don't strike a lottery. If they strike a lottery, they worry about robbers going after their money or their lives.

    Don't let these negative people and their negative comments spoil the wonders and joys of you becoming a father soon. If they tell you negative things again, thank them for their concern but tell them that they are mis-informed, and that pregnancy and delivery are safe and natural.

    If they tell you the same negative things again, tell them politely but firmly that you do not appreciate their negative thoughts, and that they should keep those thoughts to themselves. Warn them not to say such things to your wife. If they are stubborn and say those negative things again, ask them to shut up and mind their own business.

    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans03b/sep03-3.html September 2003 (Part 3)

    Question 2

    Should a pregnant woman practice chi kung?

    — Feredicia, Italy

    Answer

    If she already knows how to practice chi kung correctly, she can do so but she must practice at a low level with gentle movements and gentle chi flow. Stretching, vigorous movements and vigorous chi flow are not suitable. She must also remember that a baby's needs are different from those of an adult.

    If she has not learnt chi kung before, it is advisable for her to delay learning and practicing chi kung after her delivery.

    Such precautions are made not because practicing chi kung is not beneficial to a pregnant woman but because we want to avoid possible wrong practice or over-training.

    There is, however, an excellent chi kung exercise that every pregnant woman should practice, and it is as follows.

    Sit, stand, lie down or be in any comfortable stationary or moving position. Enter into a chi kung state of mind. For those who do not know what a chi kung state of mind is, just gentle breathe in and out about 10 times.

    Have a gentle thought that the baby is developing wholesomely and beautifully, and when the time is right the delivery will be safe and pleasant. It will be.

    This exercise is very simple and can be practiced any suitable number of times a day. Although it is a serious exercise dealing with serous matter, it should be performed as if for fun.
    http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans13a/may13-2.html MAY 2013 PART 2


    Question 7

    I have many friends who want very much for me to tell them and show them what I learned in the Intensive Chi Kung Course. Some of them have been reading your book. Of course I love sharing my experience and have taught women to use their energy so they can deliver their babies.

    — Mary, Galapagos Islands

    The informal chi kung exercise for pregnant women I explained at the Intensive Chi Kung Course is wonderful and safe. For those who read the answer in my Question-Answer Series, I shall explain again for their benefit so that they can cultivate some blessings by telling women who are pregnant.

    Let the pregnant woman lie or sit down comfortably. Relax and don't think of anything. Smile from the heart, and be gently aware of her breathing. She does not need to regulate her breath, just be aware of the spontaneous breathing.

    Then gently have a thought that the baby will develop healthily and beautifully, and when the time is right the delivery will be safe and pleasant. It will be.

    Perform this two or three times a day, in the morning, evening or at night.
    http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans12b/oct12-2.html OCTOBER 2012 PART 2

    Question 3

    My stepfather is a healer. He can make people well from physical or psychological sufferings by laying his hands on them. He has been aware of this ability most of his life, but only for a short time in the late 1990s did he actively use it. There was actually a line of people waiting outside our house.

    He stopped this however, as he felt unsure of his abilities even though people told him he helped them cure anything from a cold to severe angst. He also told me he saw things, apparently some persons past or future as he was treating the sick, and this appeared to have disturbed and scared him slightly.

    Answer

    Some people have an in-born ability to heal others. It appears your step-father is one of them.

    This in-born ability is due to three possibilities.

    One, they are born with powerful chi. When they lay their palm on a sick person, their chi naturally flows to the sick person and stimulates a chi flow in the latter. This helps the sick to recover. They have powerful chi due to favourable pre-natal conditions, like their parents are strong and healthy, they were conceived when heavenly bodies were in favorable positions radiating good cosmic energy, or they received good care and treatment while in their mother's womb.

    Two, they were healers or spiritual cultivators in their previous lives. The good training and development of their past lives are carried over to their present life.

    Three, they are helped by divine beings, often without their conscious knowing.

    If your step-father wishes to develop this in-born ability, he should take lessons on relevant courses from genuine masters. Courses on Chinese medicine and chi kung will be excellent for him.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans07b/aug07-1.html August 2007 (Part 1)

    Question 3

    My plan for the session would be to transmit the basic skills for practice, as well as teach the basic pattern Lifting the Sky, as well as those more suitable for helping with fertility, such as Nourishing Kidneys and Carrying the Moon.

    Of course I am aware that other patterns may be more suitable for some women depending upon their conditions, so I'm wondering if there are any other specific patterns you can recommend which might help with fertility.

    Answer

    Your teaching plan is excellent. Rotating Hips and Dancing Fairy are also useful, but these exercises need not be practiced, or only be practiced gently and occasionally, after women are pregnant.

    Question 4

    I was reviewing the instructions for Nourishing Kidneys that you wrote in the "Art of Chi Kung" and noticed some details in the book which you never mentioned in class when teaching this exercise.

    When I teach this exercise, do I need to make any mention of a gentle focus of the Yongquan or Laogong points, or qi flowing up the spine, or is it best to simply pass this on as you have taught it to me in class, without those details?

    Answer

    The exercises, including Nourishing Kidneys, in my book, The Art of Chi Kung, were written for those who did not have the opportunity to learn from me personally. The book was also written when my teaching skills and methodology were far below my present levels. Those who have learned from me or from our certified instructors will get the best benefits practicing the exercises the way they have been taught.

    Hence, in your teaching of Nourishing Kidneys it is not necessary to mention a focus at the Yongquan or Laogong points, or qi flowing up the spine. For other qigong patterns it is also not necessary to mention details described in my book.

    Question 5

    My other question is regarding how to proceed if any of these women do become pregnant during the course of the class. I recall you saying in a Question and Answer series that a pregnant woman with sufficient skill may practice gently until the third month of the pregnancy. Would you say that is still the correct guideline?

    Answer

    For precaution purposes, when a woman is pregnant she does not need to practice the way qigong has been taught to her by you. But she can induce a gentle qi flow once a day with some gentle exercises. My advice that a woman with sufficient qigong skills may practice gently until the third month of the pregnancy is still a correct guideline.

    There is, nevertheless, an excellent exercise as follows that she should perform whenever she likes except around noon.

    Enter into a qigong state of mind. Gently think that her baby is developing beautifully and healthily, and when the time is right, the delivery will be safe and pleasant.

    Question 7

    As for myself, my life is hectic but good. Joshua and I are still practicing kungfu regularly, are making good progress.

    I had spent five months from May until October studying two to eight hours a day for all of my national Chinese medicine exams. Thanks to my kungfu and qigong practice, I was able to do that, work two jobs, go to school, and find time for my boyfriend, all without getting sick where someone else surely would have.

    My lovely boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year. We plan to get married next year, and start a family a year after that. It seems as if I'm on the brink of a new chapter of my life and I'm looking forward to it with excitement and gratitude.

    Answer

    You are an inspiration to all other students. Not only you are not sick for the hard work you are doing, I am sure you enjoy your work too and perform better than most other people. Our training certainly enrich our life.

    Congratulations for having a boyfriend and planning to get married. To be a wife and mother, as well as to be a husband and father, are some of the happiest things in life.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans15b/nov15-2.html NOVEMBER 2015 PART 2
    On my way to understanding the greatness of gratitude.
    Thank you Sifu, Sigung, and Past Masters!

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    Since I found this long discussion to be in-depth and to the point, I have included all of it. Please enjoy!

    A Dialogue with Fabienne

    Question 1

    I wish to thank you again for the wonderful teachings and deep impact you had on me and my emotional health at the Valentine's Course in Ireland only a few months ago. I was lucky enough to make a lot of progress during the past few years, especially in 2014. I did leave my job after you sent me the kind message and I am now working for a different and absolutely incredible new employer. I feel very blessed and grateful.

    Nevertheless, there is an issue about women equality that has bothered me more than ever this year and that I feel is a major blockage.

    Sigung, you are always very kind, generous and most important of all, objective and fair. I am also aware that there are still some cultural differences that make me so torn and conflicted about accepting some of your comments about women and marriage.

    Whenever I think of finding a husband or having children, my thoughts and optimism grind to a halt. It wasn't always like that, but my experiences in my professional life as well as in Shaolin Wahnam have somewhat disheartened me, so holding onto optimism and hope is difficult when thinking about marriage and children.

    — Fabienne, Switzerland

    Answer

    I am very happy about your progress though it is expected as you are a very good student. With mental clarity you could easily see that your previous job was unsuitable for you. With courage from internal force, you were not afraid to leave a job that you did not like to look for another one. Mental clarity and internal force are developed in the training you practice in our school.

    It is useful to understand more deeply the term "women equality". To me, women equality means that women are not inferior to men, but it does not mean that they should be treated as if they were men.

    For example, a woman can be as efficient as a man in her job as a manager, but in work where physical strength is required, like carrying heavy luggage, she should not be treated the same as a man. Let her husband or boyfriend do the job.

    How the concept of women equality is interpreted in martial arts is interesting. Many Karate and Taekwondo masters boast that they want their female students to fight like men. "If a man throws a punch of 200 pound at you," they tell their female students, "block it with 200 pounds."

    Our interpretation is different. We don't want our female students to fight like men; they should fight as women -- without losing their feminine charms. They are not men, but can be as combat efficient as men. They can, for example, deflect the powerful punch with minimum force, and elegantly drive a phoenix-eye fist into a male attacker's ribs.

    It is precisely failing to appreciate the deeper significance of women equality that brings suffering to both men and women. Many men have told me that they are afraid to be married for fear that their wives might quarrel with them like men. Many women like to be women, but are forced by a mistaken concept of women equality to act like men.

    Your problem of being disheartened about marriage and children may be due to a mistaken concept of women equality, wrongly thinking that when you are married you have to be a husband instead of being a wife, and to be a father instead of being a mother. Such a mistaken concept will distort family roles and is unlikely to bring family happiness. You are likely to have family happiness when you let your husband be the husband of the family, and you remain to be the wife.

    Question 2

    I'm scared of being a loving wife and mother one day, because the kind of devotion you expect a woman to show towards her husband is not something many males nowadays are worthy of.

    Sadly, not all men in Shaolin Wahnam are a shining example of honourable men one might think they are. I can speak as a female student who has had some unpleasant, non-consensual experiences. I heard some very demeaning things about myself and others. I didn't want to list them at first, but I think I have to in order to make the situation clearer.

    Answer

    Your problem here is not being scared of becoming a loving wife and mother one day nor the kind of devotion expected of a woman toward her husband. Your problem is finding a husband worthy of your devotion.

    There are two different approaches to train a school of honorable men and women.

    One approach is to select people who are already honorable to train them. This will make the group exclusive.

    Another approach is to open the school to those who want to be honorable, and train them.

    Shaolin Wahnam employs the second approach. But we require that those who wish to be trained to be honorable must be deserving, like following the Ten Shaolin Laws.

    Hence, it is understandable that there are some in our school who are still dishonorable. Either they have not successfully completed their training in our school, which means that in time they will be honorable, or they have failed in their training, which means they do not want to be honorable.

    Comparing our school with other schools, we have done very well.

    The examples you have listed will be commented on below.

    Question 3

    When a close Sije of mine went through a difficult time, I heard more than once that "She should find a strong man to have sex with her. She'll calm down then." That's unacceptable!

    I was propositioned for sex after a course. The man was ugly, ignorant and thought I'd sleep with him because "nobody else would find me attractive" due to my weight.

    All these things stopped once I became more advanced and confident. They also disappeared because I aged and gained weight. But I wish to show that women are much more likely to be reduced to their beauty and features. Even in Buddhism, almost every description of female practitioners says something along the lines of "she was known for her beauty."

    This is so infuriating and unfair. It is a nice compliment when it comes from someone sincere and without ulterior motives, but I'm scared of being reduced to it in the future. But if I defend myself and talk to other people about this, I might be called a "feminist" and "attention seeker". No man will approach me then, I'm sure.

    Answer

    Both asking a distressed woman to have sex to calm down, and asking a woman to have sex otherwise no one else would have sex with her were not only unacceptable, they were despicable. As mentioned earlier, there may still be dishonorable students in our school. Either they failed in the training to be honorable, or they do not want to he honorable.

    They automatically eliminate themselves in any competition to be husbands of sensible women.

    The insulting comments stopped because you had advanced in your kungfu training and had become more confident. The insulting males might be worried that you asked them to have free sparring instead.

    You are still very young. With our training, you can remain young when you grow in chorological age. Our exercises can also help you to reduce weight. Exercises like "Drawing the Moon" and "Merry-Go-Round" are excellent. You have to practice these exercises regularly.

    You should not feel infuriating or unfair when someone says you are or any woman is beautiful. I believe women, regardless of their age, will take it as a compliment.

    There is no need to defend yourself when complimented to be beautiful. Accept the compliment graciously.

    It is natural for women to want to be beautiful. She will indeed be very odd if a woman wants to be ugly, or tough and masculine like a man. This is what I mean by misconception of women equality. Women and men are equal but not the same. If a woman appears or behaves like a man, such as putting on man's clothing or putting her legs on a table, most men I believe will find her ugly.

    Question 4

    I might adhere to what you called a "liberated" woman in a past article. But I don't wish to oppress my husband with my intelligence, my wit or my knowledge. I don't wish to confront and nag him unnecessarily, as you seem to think most "liberated" women are doing according to this article.

    Truly liberated women are exactly that: liberated. They're happy, independent and free to express themselves, not bitter and unpleasant and trying to oppose their partner at every step. I am truly sorry if you or other men have had unpleasant experiences with these kinds of women. I do not identify with these women.

    Answer

    A liberated woman can be feminine and gentle. She needs not act or behave like a man.

    Oppressing her husband with her intelligence, wit or knowledge, and confronting and nagging him unnecessarily is not a matter of being liberated; it is a matter of being unwise.

    You are mistaken that I think liberated women tend to oppress their husbands, nag or confront them unnecessarily. I advise that women, regardless of whether they are liberated or not, should not do such things. If they do, they may win arguments but lose their men.

    Liberated women are independent and free to express themselves. But they are not necessarily happy, not bitter, unpleasant and trying to oppose their partners at every step. In other words, liberated women can be happy or depressed, sweet or bitter, pleasant or unpleasant, oppose their partners at every step or not at all. Being liberated or not liberated, and being happy, sweet, pleasant, opposing or otherwise are different issues.

    Liberated women who are wise will be sweet, pleasant and accommodating to their husbands or partners, and as a result they are happy. Unwise liberated women will do the reverse and be depressed.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans15b/oct15-2.html OCTOBER 2015 PART 2

    Question 1

    I just wish to be myself, the person I am working hard to cultivate and to improve on every level. The person you called "of a high calibre", the person you were kind enough to call talented and beautiful. The wonderful woman I'll be in only a few years' time. And once I find my future husband, we will hopefully create a wholesome and harmonious relationship together, based on awe, spirituality, respect and love.

    — Fabienne, Switzerland

    Answer

    I am very happy that many students of our schools, male and female, have explicitly stated that our training has made them the best persons they can be.

    You have all the potential to be this wonderful woman. The only hindrance I can see in you now is your concept of women equality. It is a fact that many male students who make excellent husbands have told me that they are scared to get married because they are scared that their future intelligent and liberated wives will argue with them on every thing. If your sense of women equality dictates that it is your right to argue with them and to you that is not oppressing them, and that they should not be scared of you, it is unlikely that you will meet these lovable men as a potential husband.

    It is your choice. You can choose to believe that they should not be scared, although they have explicitly said they are scared, and choose to believe that even when you strongly express your views which oppose theirs, you can still have a happy marriage. As an analogy, in internal force training you can choose to believe that you can tense your muscles, though internal force masters have explicitly said that you should relax, and choose to believe that even when you use muscular strength which opposes the view of internal force masters, you can still develop internal force.

    Actual experiences have repeatedly shown that wives who strongly express their views that oppose their husbands' views, although the wives claim that it is their right, do not have happy marriages. Actual experiences also have repeatedly shown that students who tense their muscles, when internal force masters advise them to relax, although the students claim that it is their right to practice in a way they want to, do not develop internal force. If, knowing these facts, you still persist on doing what you think is right although actual experiences have shown that you will not have a happy marriage or develop internal force, you are not only unwise but also stubborn, despite your intelligence.

    Question 2

    Or should I cast all that honour and potential aside once I marry? Should it really be my goal to hide my lively and talkative character? Turn doe-eyed and meek and become a master at manipulating and tricking the person I love into doing what I want, instead of being upfront, sincere and loving with him? And have my husband return that sentiment, out of respect and love.

    Answer

    You have jumped into conclusions that are irrelevant.

    No one asks you to cast your honour and potential aside once you marry. You are advised to use your honour and potential in a way that will make your marriage happy and successful, and not to use them in a way that will confront your husband resulting in an unhappy and unsuccessful marriage.

    No one asks you to hide your lively and talkative character. You are advised to use your lively and talkative character to make your marriage happy and successful, and not to use them in a way that may dominate your husband resulting in an unhappy and unsuccessful marriage.

    No one asks you to turn doe-eyed and meek and become a master at manipulating and tricking the person you love into doing what you want. You are advised to be doe-eyed and meek or eagle-eyed and demanding or whatever is appropriate, and be sincere and loving in persuading the person you love into doing what you want for mutual happiness and benefit.

    You should be upfront in all your dealings with your husband, and never deceive him. But your approach can be straight-forward or circular depending on the situation and his character. You should have your husband return that sentiment out of respect and love, and definitely not out of deceit, fear or cunningness.

    Question 3

    Why can't women be equal to men? Why do women have to adhere to the sensibilities of men (them being scared of our opinions, strength or maybe even superior intelligence), whereas men have a horrifying sense of entitlement as soon as we dress attractively, smile or talk with them? Again, I speak from personal experience.

    If men are scared of women having an opinion and being strong, shouldn't they practice Kung Fu and grow a real spine instead?

    Don't you think that we women aren't afraid of men, too? When men are scared of dominant women, then women like me are scared of having to submit and give up everything for men like them.

    Answer

    It seems that your concept of women being equal to men means women being the same as men. Women are women, and men are men. They are not the same. It would be a very dull world if they were the same.

    It is also worthwhile for you to realize that women equality is a modern concept. In the past women were considered inferior to men. In the same way, all men are equal, meaning all men have equal rights, is a modern concept. In the past, even in Athens, the birthplace of democracy, men were not equal. Women and slaves had no rights.

    Women adhere to the sensibilities of men, and men adhere to the sensitivities of women for mutual respect and benefit. You can choose not to adhere to men's sensitivities, like not dressing prettily, but it will be to your disadvantage. Similarly, a man can choose not to adhere to women's sensitivities, like being rough with them, but it will be to his disadvantage.

    Your thinking that men are afraid of women who have their own opinions and are strong is again jumping into a wrong conclusion

    I have noticed more men wanting women to have opinions on their own and be strong than men being afraid of women having opinions and are strong. Many men complain that women, rightly or wrongly, are flicker-minded, and no matter how strong women are, they are generally not as strong as men, physically or emotionally.

    Only by practicing genuine kungfu can men and women develop mental clarity and internal force that enable them to be tolerant of others' opinions and be strong physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and figuratively have a real spine.

    But genuine kungfu is very rare nowadays. Kungfu is so debased today that practitioners become dull and intolerant of others' beliefs. Though they may be stronger physically, they are weak emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

    Question 4

    Don't you think that we women are afraid of men, too? When men are scared of dominant women, women like me are scared of having to submit and give up everything for men like them.

    Answer

    In the past women submitted themselves and willingly gave up everything for their husbands. Because of their submissive nature, they were happy. Divorce was unheard of, though some people argue that the absence of divorce was due not to happy marriages but to the unavailability of divorce opportunities.

    The submissiveness of wives as well as their inferior position were a blessing in disguise. They became tolerant of their husbands' shortcomings, and even if their marriages were not particularly happy, they were not particularly quarrelsome.

    It was a sharp contrast to today's marriages. Because women are liberated, they demand equal rights, which result in frequent quarrels or at least disagreement between husbands and wives.

    Herein lies an interesting debate. Would you prefer wives to be submissive which results in a peaceful family, or wives to have equal rights which results in a quarrelsome family. Men's preference is quite obvious. Usually choices have to be made by modern women.

    Question 5

    Let me make an example. Let's say that, hypothetically, I found a boyfriend. Both he and I are dedicated martial artists, talented and spiritually advanced. Who do you think will have to make the bigger sacrifice in order to achieve this perfectly wholesome family life you were talking about?

    Me. I would offer my body, stop practicing high level Kung Fu and Qigong for at least 9 months, bear the pain of childbirth and ideally submit to my husband to not "make him feel bad" by being my true self: intelligent, sharp, outspoken and kind-hearted.

    Answer

    This is your perspective as a wife who is unwilling to make sacrifice for a happy family. The perspective of your husband, who is also unwilling to make sacrifice for a happy family, will be different. It will be as follows.

    Who do you think will have to make the bigger sacrifice? Me. I would offer both my body and my time, and work like mad with hardly any time to rest, and of course not to practice high level kungfu and qigong, especially during the 9 months when my wife is pregnant, bear the pain of anxiety and ideally submit to her whims and fancies to make her feel good, and not to be my true self: spending time with by buddies and bearing their cruel jokes as my wife's handy man.

    Both perspectives are unlikely to contribute to a happy family. If you value your family happiness more than your mis-conceived women rights, your perspective will be as follows.

    I am grateful to be able to sacrifice for my family happiness. I shall gladly offer my body, and continue to practice high level kungfu and qigong. It will be a privilege to be pregnant, and to bring forth my children, who will be a joy to both my husband and myself. I shall willingly submit to my husband's wishes, and make his life happy. I shall employ my intelligence, effort and kind-heartedness to be my true self as a loving wife and mother.

    Your husband's perspective if he values family happiness over male chauvinism will be as follows.

    I am grateful to be able to sacrifice for my family happiness. I shall gladly offer my body and my time, continue to practice high level kungfu and chi kung, and to work hard to provide well for my wife and children. I shall willingly submit to my wife's wishes, and make her life meaningful. I shall employ my intelligence, effort and time to be my true self as a loving husband and father

    Question 6

    All of this is worth it, but the man needs to be upright, smart, handsome and worthy, too. Not everybody is a husband who appreciates his wife and works extraordinarily hard like you do, Sigung.

    What is the point of me practicing martial arts and thus developing elegance, grace, mental clarity, confidence, courage and tremendous strength if I shall have to submit all my ambitions and everything I've achieved to a man the moment I get married and wish to have children?

    Answer

    It is certainly worth it. You need to find the man who is upright, smart, handsome and worthy. As we practice elite arts in Shaolin Wahnam, we are the leaders. We take the initiate to build a happy family. We are not followers. We do not hope someone will take the lead and follow him.

    Thinking that you have to forego all the benefits of your training for the man you will marry is a negative way of looking at your things. The Shaolin Wahnam was is as follows.

    My practicing elite martial arts enables me to develop elegance, grace, mental clarity, confidence, courage and tremendous strength. With these benefits I can find a wonderful and appreciative man whom I will get married and have children. I shall continue to practice the elite arts to make my family happy and meaningful.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans15b/oct15-3.html OCTOBER 2015 PART 3

    Question 1

    You said that becoming a wife/husband and mother/father is one of the most spiritually fulfilling things in this world. But spiritual fulfillment isn't a given if I have to sacrifice so much and the man doesn't. A relationship is made of two people, so both should strive to be the best they can be and sacrifice all they can. Not only the women, and not only the men either. How can a relationship be wholesome if that were so?

    — Fabienne, Switzerland

    Answer

    Ask not what your husband and children can do for you. Ask what you can do for your husband and children. You and not they practice our elite arts.

    Spiritual fulfillment is not a given attainment. You have to make effort and sacrifice to attain it.

    While a relationship of husband and wife is made up of two people, and ideally both should strive for family happiness, you need not wait for the other person to make this come true. As an elite person who has practiced our Shaolin Wahnam arts, you take the lead.

    If your thought, speech and action are appropriate, the other will follow, and both will contribute to the family happiness. It does not matter even when the other person does little work, or not at all, but you still need him to make a rewarding relationship.

    Question 2

    While doing further research in Buddhism and its origins, I didn't have to look far at all to find other offending examples of women being treated like lesser beings and/or being reduced to tools of convenience and satisfaction.

    Can you please tell me what you think about these examples?

    Answer

    My main comment is that society and customs at the time of the Buddha were vastly different from those of ours. By the standard of Buddha's time, what the Buddha did to women was extremely generous.

    My other comments follow each of your examples.

    Your Example (1) The most advanced Buddhist nuns had to sit behind the most novice monks simply because their body was deemed inferior. It is our body that is able to grow and give life.

    Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhikkhu...g_against_nuns

    My Comment: At that time in India, no matter how accomplished women were, they were still considered inferior to males.

    Your Example (2) The Buddha himself was against teaching women at first. He refused to teach his own aunt, the woman that nursed and raised him when he was but a small and defenceless child. If it weren't for the Venerable Ananda, women probably never would've been taught by the Buddha himself, and I am forever grateful for that. If "not teaching women" was for the sake of monks not being distracted or tempted, then the monks were much more at fault than the nuns. Men should be able to control themselves, a sentiment which is blissfully ignored by many males in our society.

    Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahapaj...he_first_woman

    My Comment: It was a custom at the time to teach only males. The Buddha's teaching of women was unprecedented.

    Not teaching women for the sake of the monks was only one of a few reasons. The main reason for not teaching women was due to culture and custom.

    If a beautiful woman temptingly stripes in front of a man, it is not easy for him to resist the temptation even when he can otherwise has good control of his sexual desires.

    Question 3

    Past kings and emperors had multiple wives. What purpose did that serve except prestige? The beauty of women as a means of manipulation is even present in the 36 Strategies ("From Nothing is born Something"). Don't you think that men who are easily manipulated by the beauty of women are disgraceful?

    Answer

    The purpose of having multiple wives was more than just prestige. A Chinese emperor was required by rites and customs to have more than a thousand wives, irrespective of whether he liked it or not, but it so happened that usually he liked it.

    One important reason, besides the obvious variety of sexual pleasure an emperor could enjoy, was to ensure he had a male heir to succeed him.

    There is nothing wrong to use the beauty of women in strategies. Some women, like the famous beauties of China, Xi Shi and Diao Chan, were proud to be able to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the country, and the people sincerely honoured them.

    A well known strategy of the 36 Strategies is simply called "Beauty Strategy". Many famous strategists used this strategy elegantly and successfully.

    You may be pleased to know that there is a Chinese saying as follows. "Even heroes may not escape the temptations of beautiful women." When heroes can fall to beauties, mere mortals stand little chance of survival.

    I don't think that men who are easily manipulated by the beauty of women are disgraceful. I think they are normal.

    The great sage, Confucius, advises, "Food and sex are normal instincts."

    Question 4

    While talking to a very close friend of mine, it occurred to us that certain monastic rules and explanations of Buddhist cosmology and reincarnation state that people are born a woman because of some bad karma. Is this true? If so, that's heart-breaking.

    I try hard to be the best I can be, so I try and look at this as a blessing in disguise. As a woman, I might be better suited to clear deep-rooted, emotional or even karmic problems. According to my friend, a senior instructor in our school mentioned that women tend to be more sensitive and able to pass certain "milestones" in Kung Fu and Qigong more quickly. But still, it sucks to be told that I might be inferior.

    In any case, I feel torn between righteous fury because of this caveman-ish injustice being prevalent to this day (sometimes even in Shaolin Wahnam, of all places), and grief for all the oppression and lost potential that women had to deal with ever since known history. Will it boil down to the fact that, as a woman, I have to make a very hard choice? Either reach high achievements or become a wife and mother?

    Answer

    It was true that in the past at a time when women's position was inferior to men's, many people believed that to be born a woman was due to bad karma. But this was relative. It was bad karma compared to being born as gods, or even as men. But it was good karma compared to being born an animal, or even a very beautiful female titan. Yet the very same people would probably think that being born a woman in a noble family was due to better karma than being born a male slave.

    But conditions are different today. Even when Chinese culture prefers sons to daughters, many Chinese families I know prefer to have daughters than to have sons. When they are married, daughters with their husbands stay with the parents; or at least return home frequently, whereas the sons when married together with their wives are lost to their in-laws.

    Hence, you should not be heart-broken, but instead take being born a woman as a blessing.

    Indeed, to be born human, male or female, is a great blessing. He or she must have accumulated a lot of good karma in the past. To be born wholesome is a greater blessing. The blessing to be born in a highly civilized society like yours is even greater. And the greatest blessing is to be born human, male or female, wholesome in a civilized society and be exposed to spiritual teaching like ours in Shaolin Wahnam. We have a lot to be grateful for.

    Don't just try to be the best person you can be, do it. Don't strive but enjoy your cultivation. While whether women are better suited than men to clear emotional and karmic problems, and pass milestones in kungfu and qigong training is debatable, there is no doubt that women today, especially in Western societies, enjoy privileges men normally don't, like having their heavy luggage carried by men, and their food served to them first while their man friends may still mouth-water, provided that these women don't mistake women equality to be female chauvinism.

    Your righteous fury, sense of caveman-ish injustice, and grief of oppression and lost potential of women, are all the result of your imagination. Since known history, women never had such opportunities and benefits as they have today. Women in the past did not go to school or even out of their house, had no opportunities of employment, and could not choose their own husbands. Now you can reach high achievements and at the same time become a wife and mother. You should celebrate instead of groan over your opportunities.

    Question 5

    Sigung, may I please know how you feel about this issue? Do you feel like females are worth less than male beings, be it animal or human? Or did I just misunderstand your intentions behind the article you wrote about becoming a good wife? Do you love your own wife so much because she manipulated you into doing what she wants (even if she did it sweetly), or because she was supportive, sincere, loving and strong?

    Answer

    My feeling about this issue is very clear -- to myself as well as to others. Definitely I do not feel females are worth less than males, animal or human. I regard them as equal, but not the same.

    During question time, for example, when both male and female students asked questions about the same time, I always practiced "lady's first".

    During demonstration I usually chose male students or instructors. Some people mistook this gesture as my disregard for women. It was just the opposite. It was my regard for them that I chose male demonstrators. I did not want to take advantage of their feminine beauty, or let other people have this impression, especial in the West where many masters, unfortunately, exploit their female students.

    These may be little gestures, but they demonstrate my high regards for women.

    You misunderstood my intentions behind the article I wrote about becoming a good wife. My intentions are noble, and are aimed at helping women get the men they love. They are too many eligible, loveable but unmarried women, as well as too many unmarried men who are scared to get married, in the West.

    I love my wife very much for what she is, including her many faults. She did not manipulate me into doing what she wants, even in a sweet way. If she did, I would have sufficient ways to counter it, also in a sweet way. She does not need to do so because she is appreciative, sincere, loving and strong.

    She has to be very strong, bringing up five lovely children at a time when I was financially poor, not only without any complaints but also with love and devotion. Now I earn more money, I like spending it on her to make her happy, but she spends it on our children and grandchildren, and that wisely and not lavishly, and our children have to say, "Papa and mama, we have enough money to be comfortable."

    Question 6

    While with Shaolin Wahnam, I learned that we are all part of the same universe and that our world is an illusion, influenced by our perception. Why can't this simple principle be applied to such a natural, sacred and simple bond as marriage, for example? Shaolin Wahnam gets so many aspects about daily life perfectly right, yet misogyny is still observable. Shouldn't we stand above this petty differentiation?

    For example, we are making the difference between hard and soft chi for the sake of understanding. We can do that with the concept of men and women, too. But only for the sake of understanding and explanation. It should flow into each other and ultimately be one. Men and women can't be without each other in the long run (for the simple sake of continuously populating this planet), so let's make it an equal business. Based on love and respect, not on superiority and manipulation.

    Answer

    You have highlighted a very important point that can bring meaning and happiness to our daily life. Our phenomenal world, which is an illusion, is much influenced by our perception. My article on Perception and Reality illustrates this very important point.

    Paradoxically, your problem in this issue is due to your perception. The reality is the same, that men and women can't be without each other, and their mutual well-being should be based on love and respect, and not on superiority and manipulation. This is the theme in my article you mentioned, How to Trap a Good Husband and be a Good Wife, as well as in the teaching of Shaolin Wahnam.

    However you interpreted my article from a different perspective. I advise that to get a husband whom she has found lovable and eligible, the woman should fulfil the qualities that he wants in his wife. He wants his wife to be attractive, feminine and yielding. But you thought, wrongly, that if a woman conforms to these qualities, she would make herself inferior as well as manipulate him to marry her.

    Although you may not have explicitly said it, you imply that to demonstrate your superiority, or at least your equality, you need not confirm to his likings. If you are already attractive, feminine and yielding, that is fine. You already process qualities that he likes. But, for the sake of illustration here, if you were unattractive, dominating and demanding, you need not make yourself attractive, feminine and yielding to win him. He has to accept you for what you are.

    You consider, again wrongly, that if you have to make yourself attractive, feminine and yielding to win him, you will be manipulative. This is your flawed perspective. A better perspective is that you make a sacrifice to attain a greater mutual goal.

    An example will make this point clearer. Suppose you are a manufacturer producing red T-shirts. A customer orders blue T-shirts. This is his likes. But you think that if you conform to his likes, you are demeaning yourself and accepting your inferiority. But if you conform to his likes, you are manipulative to win his sale. You can choose to be stubborn and clinch onto your flawed perspective, but you will lose the sale or your man whom you feel will make a good husband. Your perspective is flawed because you confuse woman equality with being dog-headedness, and confuse sacrifice with manipulation.

    This principle of fulfilling the needs of the other person and making sacrifice for greater mutual benefit can be applied to marriages as well as all other aspects of life. To implement this principle successfully, you have to be clear in your vision and direction, and noble in your perspective. Marrying any man that comes your way is not being clear in your vision and direction. Being stubborn even when your views are flawed and mistaking sacrifice to be manipulation is being unclear in your perspective.

    Misogyry, or hating women, is definitely not a trait in Shaolin Wahnam. We have many perfect husbands in our school. Some men in our school may not be perfect husbands, but certainly they don't hate women. If you feel that misogyny is observable in our school, for your own sake, you really have to examine your mind-set. Ironically, it is you who need to clear yourself from this mess of petty differentiation.

    Besides better understanding, differentiating between hard and soft, or men and women, also enables us to be cost effective and bring us a lot of benefits. You are the one who can't differentiate between men and women. Although you may differentiate them by sex, you fail to differentiate them by their roles and aspirations. You seem to treat women as men.

    Men and women cannot ultimately be one. A man is a man, and a woman is a woman. It is utterly unnatural if anyone of them become a man-woman, or for the female chauvinists, a woman-man. Playing their roles and fulfilling their aspirations also cannot be equal business. Whether in love making, rearing children or any other aspects of family life, men perform their roles and fulfil their aspirations as men, and women as women. In love making, for example, by instinct, a man's aspiration is his immediate pleasure, whereas a woman's aspiration is to have love.

    Question 7

    Sigung, you are the greatest person and teacher I have ever known and probably ever will. Your opinion matters a lot to me. This subject is very dear to my heart and highly important for my own future. I am terrified that you might push a very out-dated opinion of women and marriage onto students who won't think twice about the wisdom you generously share and will simply accept it as fact.

    I know at least three married couples in Wahnam where the wife does not adhere to your standard of what a "good wife" should be like. Yet they are all wonderfully happy. On the other hand, I see many Wahnam women with high achievements being unmarried to this day. I don't know if that is their personal choice or simply their adapting to current circumstances.

    They are all inspirations to me, yet I absolutely do wish to get married and have children one day. But not when things are still like this. The status quo scares me and makes me hold onto my personal freedom and joy and open way of expression even more.

    I guess I just wish to know why these kinds of things are still happening the way they are. It breaks my heart to think that, no matter how high my achievements might be in the future, I'll never be deemed "as good" as male students, simply because I'm a woman.

    If that were the case, and knowing my passion and deep emotions, I might just become that bitter kind of "liberated" woman you said men are scared of. As of now, I am still very young, optimistic and eager to learn. I hope this issue can be resolved. If not in today's society, then at least let it be resolved in my heart!

    Thank you very much for your patience and I will be forever grateful (even more so than I already am) if you could help me break through this blockage. I also hope that my sincere, yet still somewhat critical inquiry won't result in me not being welcome in Shaolin Wahnam anymore.

    Answer

    Thank you for your very kind words.

    One of the proudest achievements of our school is that our teaching has enabled our family members, single or married, to enrich their daily lives. This achievement is more important than being extremely combat efficient, developing tremendous internal force, or even overcoming pain and illness and attaining good health, vitality and longevity.

    Our teaching, including that of happy marriage, is successfully time-tested. You view the issue in a matter of 30 years; I view it over many centuries. Even in a short period of 30 years, your perspective has proven to be unsuccessful, resulting in many people remaining unmarried though they are eligible and lovable.

    I do not push my teaching onto our students. I always encourage them to assess any teaching to the best of their understanding and experience.

    You have misconceived my advice on what a good wife should be like. You wrongly think that a good wife should abandon her ability and wisdom and follow her husband blindly. I advise that a good wife should use her ability and wisdom to make her family happy.

    Even if we presume that the three married couples you mentioned do not adhere to my advice on being a good wife, if they and their husbands and children are happy, I am happy for them. In fact I would advise them to carry on what they have been doing, and don't follow what I mentioned in the article. The article is not for them. It is meant for women who want to but have not accomplished a happy family.

    If those Shaolin Wahnam women with high achievements choose not to have a family they need not follow my advice in the article. If they wish to have a happy family, my advice will be very useful.

    Getting married and having children is a woman's instinct. It is also a wonderful thing to do. Never before in history have women this golden opportunity to be married and have children, and still have freedom, joy and open way of expression. You are living in this golden age but you don't realize it.

    Your problem and heart-breaking situation is the result of your own faulty imagination. Change your perspective from a negative way to the Shaolin Wahnam way and you may see the golden age you are in.

    Why should you choose to be a bitter liberated woman whom men are scared of, when you can be a sweet liberated woman whom men adore? Becoming such a sweet, liberated and adorable woman is not by fancy. You have to put in a lot of hard work. Following my advice in the article you mentioned, after you have realized your previous faulty perspective, will provide a practical way to achieve your goal.

    Of course you will be welcome in Shaolin Wahnam, more so after you have raised these interesting questions that will benefit many men and women.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans15b/oct15-3.html OCTOBER 2015 PART 3
    On my way to understanding the greatness of gratitude.
    Thank you Sifu, Sigung, and Past Masters!

  3. #3
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    Happy Families: Parents, Wives, and Husbands

    If you treat your wife not as someone who happens to marry you, but someone who is going to spend the best part of her life for your welfare, which is actually the case, and treat your son not just as an incidental outcome of some pleasure, but as a living manifestation of your love and joy, which is also actually the case, you will find spending time with them not a responsibility but a special privilege.

    — Grandmaster Wong Kiew Kit

    Question

    Sifu, I believe that you are one of the wisest and most compassionate men alive today, and I place great value and worth on your thoughts and opinions. I have been married for almost one year now and my wife and I have just had our first child, a boy. What advice can you give me to be a good husband and father?

    Answer

    Congratulations for being a husband and father, and thank you for your kind words.

    Being a husband and father is one of the most wonderful things that can happen to a man. So treasure your blessing. With the blessing comes responsibility. The most basic responsibility of a good husband and father is to provide for your family to the best of your ability. Provisions involve not just physical wants and comfort, like decent food and housing, but more importantly spiritual needs, like loving care and spending time with them rewardingly.

    Providing for their spiritual needs does not need money, but it needs time and effort. If one really treasures his wife and child, he can readily find the time and effort, irrespective of how busy he may imagine himself to be or even really be.

    If you treat your wife not as someone who happens to marry you, but as someone who is going to spend the best part of her life for your welfare, which is actually the case, and treat your son not just as an incidental outcome of some pleasure, but as a living manifestation of your love and joy, which is also actually the case, you will find spending time with them not a responsibility but a special privilege.

    Marriage is sacred. Personally I believe a man should have one and only one wife. You have chosen your wife. So you just have to make sure your marriage can only be successful. You have no other choice, and there is no looking back. Be generous in your attitude. Assume the position that you, and not your wife, are the one to take the initiative to ensure a successful, happy marriage. When you have set the right initiative, your wife will naturally respond.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/sp-issues/husband.html THE BLESSING AND RESPONSIBILITY OF BEING A HUSBAND AND FATHER

    A clever woman traps her man by yielding, then turns the table around and leads him by his nose.

    — Grandmaster Wong Kiew Kit

    Question

    Searching for some guidance, I was recently reading one of your Question & Answers pages: http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans01a/jan01-1.html I truly respect and admire you greatly and am so very, very grateful for your teachings. I am now 31. I have never been licentious or promiscuous, nor entered into a relationship without sincerity, but neither have I found the right man for me.

    I loved the advice you wrote to Kevin from the USA (in above Q&A link) about being a good husband and father and so I respectfully and open-heartedly ask:

    What do you feel are the qualities of a good wife? What do you believe I should be looking for in a future husband?

    — Flora, Spain

    Answer

    Finding a good husband is a very important question any young unmarried woman should consider carefully. Being a happy wife and mother fulfills a deep biological as well as spiritual need. Unfortunately, judging from the number of unsuccessful marriages nowadays, young women have not done this effectively.

    I am glad you are a step ahead. Not only you want to find a good husband, you want to be a good wife. This shows not only your maturity of thoughts but also your determination and dedication in realizing your goals. Many women just want to have good husbands, but they never consider how to become good wives. This is a big mistake. They defeat their purpose even before starting their journey. Hence, it may be more fruitful to consider how to become a good wife first, then set out to find a good husband.

    Whether you are a good wife should be considered not from your perspective, not from the perspective of other people, but from your husband's perspective. This is a vital point many wives fail to realize. They usually think of themselves as good wives, but their husbands do not.

    What do you think a husband want in his wife? The answer below may surprise many women, but it is formed from actually asking eligible bachelors.

    First of all he wants his wife to be attractive. As you are a beautiful woman, this won't be a problem, but you should make a point to be more attractive to him after marriage than before. Some women make a big mistake by taking their husbands for granted. After they have attracted their husbands into marriage, they neglect their shape and appearance, forfeiting the very factor that attracted their husbands in the first place.

    A woman is attractive when she is feminine. A husband does not want his wife to tower over him in intellectual abilities or worse in physical strength. He does not want his wife to argue with him over every issue or dominate him in every decision. He prefers his wife to yield rather than to assert. Surprisingly, qualities like being loving and kind, which are of course important, take second place!

    Some followers of women's liberation may vehemently protest, accusing such attitude as male chauvinism. This, I believe, is a main reason why so many eligible women could not get husbands, and also why many men choose to stay out of marriage. I asked some eligible bachelors why they were not married. Can you guest what they told me? They said they were scared! They were scared of women disputing every decision they made, or arguing over every opinion they offered.

    For example, when a man suggests going to restaurant A for dinner, a modern, “liberated” woman would say, “No, let us go to restaurant B.” When he says listening to sentimental music is romantic, she would say, “No, it is boring”, and proceed to give countless reasons why she thinks so. She wins her argument but loses her man.

    A clever woman traps her man by yielding, then turns the table around and leads him by his nose. This is classic Taijiquan principle in combat.

    When her man suggests going to restaurant A for dinner, the clever woman would not say no. She would say something as follows. “Oh yes, you always have good suggestions. This is one of the many good things I like about you.” Then when they are starting their journey to restaurant A, she would say something like this. “I heard that restaurant B served delicious duck. I love delicious duck. It makes my mouth water. Won't you take me to restaurant B, please?” She would say with such sweetness that even when her man knows he is falling into a trap, he would blissfully let himself fall into it.

    The “Four Preparations” and the “Three Arrivals” we use in our combat application are as effective in defeating an opponent as in winning a husband. First you prepare yourself by being attractive and feminine as well as kind and loving. Next you access your hero (or victim), picking him from a few eligible choices. Then you look out for an opening. If it is not presently available, you create one yourself. When the opportunity arises, you move in swiftly and claim your prize.

    In moving in, you need to have the “Three Arrivals”, i.e. the arrivals of the heart, the feet and the hand. First, you must have a clear idea of what you would do when you meet your man. Next, you must place and time your attack correctly. Finally, you must connect and capture, not hit and run.

    As you are going to choose a husband whom you will happily share your life with, and not an escort for a dance, it is of course necessary to plan and choose carefully.

    What qualities you would like to have in your husband? Obviously he must be loving and responsible, besides other personal preferences like how he looks, the job he has, his family background as well as his philosophy towards life.

    Having decided on what type of man you want as a bushand, let us see how you can apply the “Four Preparations” and the “Three Arrivals” to trap your man — instead of just passively waiting for him to appear.

    Suppose you have found a man whom you think could be a prospective candidate as your husband. If you already know him, that will save much effort, otherwise get someone to introduce you to him or introuduce yourself in a seemingly unexpected way.

    For example, you know he frequents a particular restaurant at a particular time for lunch. You have to dress attractively and look out for a good opening at the restaurant. If he is looking for a seat, you could tell him in a friendly way that the seat besides you is empty and invite him to sit down.

    Of course you do not just let him sit down. You have to engage him in conversation to find out his interests and other information so that you have material for your next attack. You have to let him talk and you listen with interest but asking appropriate questions to gather information.

    Some openings are as follows. “Wow! you seem to enjoy your food a lot. Can you tell me the secret of your good apetite?” Or, “You don't seem to enjoy your food. I have an excellent way to increase apetite. Would you like to learn it?” Then proceed to teach him a chi kung exercise.

    After a few meetings, you should start to date him. But of course you will plan in such a way that it appears he dates you. Ask him if he is free the coming weekend. Say that you would like to visit so and so or such and such a place but are concerned to go alone. Ask him to accompany you.

    After you have trapped him, you should suggest he marries you. Of course you don't say, “Marry me!” You may say something like, “It is wonderful to be married and to share life and happiness together. My sifu is so happily married, so are my sisooks and sipaks, as well as sigung.” Then lead him to marriage by the nose, with a lot of beautiful flowers along the way.

    You should set a time-target. The whole programme from first meeting to happy marriage should be completed within a year. It is unfair but true that women can't afford to wait, whereas men can. This happy-marriage strategy should work out well, but in the unlikehood that it doesn't, repeat the strategy with the next prospective candidate.

    Here are a few important principles to follow.

    Marriage is a win-win contract. You must really love the man you try your strategy on, and sincerely want to he a very good wife to him.

    In your relationship with him, don't give in but tempt him. Play a cat and mouse game. When he advances, you retreat temptingly, even sexily. When he is tired of chasing, tempt and tease him. On your marriage day (or night), surrender yourself blissfully.

    The happiness of marriage starts on the first day of marriage. Make each suceeding day a better one than the previous. Once a while there may be disagreement or even querrals, which add some spice to marriage and which should be patched up quickly, but on the whole your life together should be a continuous progress.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/sp-issues/good-wife.html HOW TO TRAP A GOOD HUSBAND AND BE A GOOD WIFE

    Question 1

    My wife and I are happily married and we have one son. We are blessed with many gifts since we started practicing chi kung from you. Our health and happiness have improved remarkably.

    However, there is something that my wife seems to struggle to overcome. A blockage that prevents her from enjoying a 100% all these great gifts life has given us. She is a highly educated person with several degrees. She is smart and capable. However, currently she cannot work as she does not have work authorization in USA.

    So she feels useless and ashamed because she thinks she is wasting her time at home. She is a great mom. She takes care of our son, who is a really happy baby.

    I am starting to wonder if I should do something besides just letting things be. I try to be a good husband, I love my wife and my son, and I work hard to give them happiness. I take care of my son when I am home and I try to support my wife in everything I can. I truly try to be happy and make people around me happier. I reach out to you Sifu, to see if you can recommend to me how to tackle this situation. I am willing to do anything it takes. I do not seek money or social status, so I am willing to sacrifice those if my wife would be happier.

    — Francisco, Spain

    Answer

    Your problem is simple, and can be overcome quite readily. It is also a problem faced by many high-earning husbands.

    It is actually not true that your wife is not working! Being a housewife and now a mother is a very demanding job. It is also a job loved by many women -- if their husbands earn enough so that they can enjoy the luxury of not working outside.

    It is also a most noble job. What other jobs can a woman do better than making her husband and children happy?

    You have to subtly convey this message to her. If it helps, you can mention that I share this philosophy.

    Nevertheless, if your wife wants to work, she can also do so. She doesn't need to work for a company. She can be her own boss. Initially she can work at home, and when her business brings in more profit, both of you can rent an office. As your wife is well qualified, there are many things she can do. She may, for example, base her business on her computer. Or she may start a class teaching wives how to make their husbands happy.
    http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans16b/oct16-1.html OCTOBER 2016 PART 1


    Although I know that I must make these decisions on my own, I wonder what advice you might give considering my situation? The major obstacle that stands in my way right now is money. All things considered, money is not terribly difficult to come by.

    Most people my age are interested in a career, finding a spouse, starting a family, buying a car and a house, etc. I am not interested in such things. I want to practice the Martial Arts. I am willing to do what is necessary to get what I want, even if it means moving to Asia.
    Answer

    I would think and do like what you have described if I were at a raw age of 20. It is not only noble but just the only sensible thing to do for an idealist at his tender age. But now mellowed with more than half a century of life's experience behind me, and still have sufficient idealism and energy to live the remaining century meaningfully, I would give you the following sincere advice.

    Train yourself for a rewarding career, find an understanding spouse, start a loving family, buy a reliable car and a comfortable house, and at the same time pursue your life-long hobby, be it martial art or any worthy pastime. While there are many things more important and rewarding than money, we cannot deny that having sufficient money is essential to accomplishing many of our life's goals and visions. If your mind and effort are constantly troubled by how to overcome money problems, there will be little left of your mind and effort for accomplishing other things.

    Having a rewarding career can fulfil this need. Moreover we also have to meet our obligations. Raising a family is, in my oppinion and in various degrees, an obligation you owe to yourself (unless you are a monk), your parents and society. Providing well for your family, including material provisions like a house and a car, besides intangible provisions like love and care, is an obligation you owe to your family. Only when you have fulfilled your obligations, you can justify yourself spending all your time and energy, if you choose to, on your hobby.

    But if you wish to make kungfu your career instead of a hobby, you must be sure that it is rewarding, i.e. it will provide you with an adequate income besides giving you joy. Incidentlally I may be able to help you make kungfu a career if a project offered to me turns out successfully.

    Someone offers me a hugh piece of land and another offers to raise the necessary funds to build some sort of a Shaolin Temple in Malaysia to preserve and teach the traditional Shaolin arts. They are kind, generous offers, but I have to consider carefully whether I can commit myself to the project before I can accept the offers. If this project is successful, you may consider applying to become a kungfu instructor in the Shaolin Temple of Malaysia. But before this hapens, you still need money to sustain your livlihood as well as pay for your kungfu training.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans98a/jun98-2.html JUNE 1998 PART 2


    Question 1

    The change in my wife has been quite remarkable, although it is of course notsurprising to you. From being permanently lethargic, she now has energy to walk long distances whereas she would collapse of fatigue after 200 metres. There is a fair bit of cleansing going on, but she is much happier as a whole. I find it very surprising that her qi movements now mirror mine to a great extent (or vice versa). Considering we practice at different times, it is strange that the movements are so similar. I wonder if it is a result of our relationship as spouses or just coincidence.

    — Zhang Wuji, Singapore

    Answer

    I am glad that your wife is progressing well in her chi kung practice.Yes, husband and wife often have much resonance between themselves whenpracticing chi kung. This is a good sign that both of you are very closetogether in spirit.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans05b/aug05-3.html August 2005 (Part 3)

    Question 5

    Someday, I hope you will see me fit to be your humble student. Martial Art is my life, it pulls at my heart and spirit like nothing else on this planet. Hopefully my search stops with you.

    Answer

    In our school, we do not regard Shaolin Kungfu or Wahnam Taijiquan as our life. Although we are dedicated to our Shaolin or Taijiquan training, we are fully aware that there are many other things more important.

    For example, if you are a student and have just enough time either to practice kungfu or do your homework, you should do your homework. If you are a husband and have just enough time either to practice kungfu or go for a walk with your wife, you should go for a walk with your wife. If you are a father and have just enough time either to practice kungfu or play with your children, you should play with your children.

    Doing otherwise is upsetting priorities. In our school, we place duties before aspirations. Doing well in your studies is a duty to your parents as well as to yourself. Being kind to your wife and children is a duty to them as well as to God or by any name you call the Supreme Reality. Excelling in kungfu is an aspiration, not a duty.

    But it is a very noble aspiration. To us in Shaolin Wahnam, our kungfu training is a comprehensive programme of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual cultivation. As a result of our cultivation, not only we have more time to do our homework, go for a walk with our wife or husband, and play with our children, but also we shall do them more efficiently. Our Shaolin or Taijiquan training is not our life, but it is an effective means to enrich our life and the lives of other people.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans05b/jul05-1.html July 2005 (Part 1)


    Question 4

    I am even worrying now that I have been a less good father and husband than I had planned or hoped to be.

    Answer

    The fact that you made a commitment to provide well for your children, and that you and your wife worked hard to build up your company shows that you have been a responsible father and husband.

    There may still be some things you would like to do as a father and husband, but you certainly have been a better father and husband than most people anywhere in the world. Don't be unkind to yourself.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans15b/aug15-1.html AUGUST 2015 PART 1


    Question 6

    I would like to know about the advantages for kungfu including qigong when somebody is happily married and have a daughter or a son? If he or she enjoys a family life, he or she will spend less time for daily training. Is this a disadvantage?

    — Roger, Switzerland

    Answer

    Being married is not a disadvantage in practicing kungfu, both Shaolin and Taijiquan, in our school. Indeed it is an advantage. There are are at least four good reasons why practicing our kungfu will enhance his or her family life.

    Firstly, our school pays great importance to having a happy family. We aim to be scholar-warriors, which include being a good father and husband or a good mother and wife.

    Secondly, one of the first skills our students learn is to be focused and relaxed at the same time. This will make married men and women very cost-effective in what they do. In other words, they can achieve more results in less time. so, although they spend some time in their training, which means less time for the family, the quality of the time spent with the family is much enhanced. Anyway, other people would have wasted their time even if they don't train kungfu.

    Next, because they focus on training kungfu, which is a wholesome activity to improve their daily life, including their family life, they won't have time for unwholesome activities like gambling, smoking and drinking.

    Fourthly, raising a family needs much mental clarity and energy. Our kungfu training provides this.

    One must not be dualistic when considering my advice above. Saying that practicing our kungfu is good for married people, it does not mean it is not good for those who are unmarried. Indeed, I would strongly recommend young women looking for husband to train in our school. They will find men who are healthy, caring, responsible and love family life. Unmarried men looking for women to marry should train in our school too. Our training makes women healthy, elegant and beautiful.

    Question 7

    What is the difference in development for kungfu between a married and an unmarried person? For example the luckily married person spends 30 minutes and the unmarried person 60 minutes for their daily training session. These two persons were at the same level before the first got a family. Is it possible that this married person practices the exercises more effectively and gets more energy and benefits with his or her family luck?

    Answer

    If we presume all other things were equal, and consider only the time for training, then unmarried people because they do not have to spend time for their family will progress faster than married people.

    But other things are not equal. Generally married people are more settled than the unmarried, and therefore have more progress in their kungfu training even when they have less time to train.

    Further, unmarried people may spend more time looking for marriageable partners than married people spend on their family. Spending time chasing after prospective husbands and wives is also more energy-consuming than nurturing a happy family.

    Question 8

    You are a happy family father. How do your wife and your sons and daughter benefit in their personal development? Do you have any special observation about their life?

    Answer

    I am proud that many of our students regard me as a role model as a good husband and father. My wife and all my children practice what I teach.

    Many people have kindly remarked that my wife is beautiful and looks much younger than her age. This is due to a great extent to the chi kung she daily practices.

    My children are healthy, full of vitality and have a wholesome philosophy towards life. Many people also have remarked that they are respectful and responsible. This is due to a great extent to the philosophy and training of our school.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans12a/may12-1.html MAY 2012 PART 1


    Question 1

    Losing my girlfriend has set me back a little. This is I believe the main problem I have faced in training internal arts over the past 3 years - I have had one girl after another break my heart and have felt so bad that for probably 90% of those 3 years I have struggled to smile from the heart genuinely.

    — John, UK

    Answer

    Your main problem is not girls constantly breaking your heart but your perverted view. In chi kung terms, it is your mental blockage. Once you have cleared this mental blockage, you will not only overcome feeling miserable, but also be able to find a good girlfriend.

    I am going to explain to you a time-proven method to overcome this problem. The method comes in two parts, the philosophical and the practical.

    Philosophically, the girls did not break your heart. It was you yourself who allowed your heart to be broken. Luckily, it was not too serious. You recovered enough to repeat similar processes.

    If you analyze your feelings more deeply, you would find that actually you were not in love with any of the girls; you were in love with love itself. In love with love is not a bad thing, but you need to find the right girl to place your love in.

    You will have your own choice of qualities to look for in the right girl. But I shall mention one important quality. She must also love you. This may or may not be the first or second most important quality you want in your right girl, but it is an essential quality. In other words, no matter how wonderful she may be, if she does not also love you, then she is not your right girl. You should not waste your time on her. There are literally thousands of other eligible girls elsewhere.

    This is the first part of the method to overcome your problem. Be reminded that the problem here is not how to find the right girl — this will be explained later. The problem here is that you allow your heart to be constantly broken and you feel very bad about it. To avoid this happening again, you have to clear your mental blockage by understanding the following three points:

    The girls themselves did not break your heart. You allow your heart to be broken.
    This happened because you were in love with love. Somehow you believed that having your heart broken was part of the process of being in love. This was a perverted view. You should find the right girl to place your love in.
    You can choose the qualities you like in your right girl, but an essential quality is that she must also love you. Otherwise, don't waste your time on her. There are literally thousands of other lovely girls waiting for you to sincerely love them.

    Now the practical part, which is simple yet very profound.

    Early every morning go to the open, or to an open window if the weather outside is unfavorable, and smile from the heart. Just do this. Just smile from the heart. Simple. And profound.

    Question 2

    My main aims in life are to have a wife and family, and to excel at kungfu.My failure to achieve the first aim so far makes me feel bad for myself, and also for my parents who would love to see me meet a nice girl.

    Answer

    Your aims are very noble.

    You already have the means to accomplish your second aim of excelling at kungfu. Just practice what you have learnt from me, and enjoy your practice. You will certainly excel at kungfu.

    If you follow the method explained above, both the philosophical and the practical parts, you will soon overcome your problem of feeling that girls keep breaking your heart, and you feeling bad about broken relationships. You will soon find that girls are wonderful. You will feel good. Your task, then, is to find the right one for yourself. You will soon accomplish your first aim of having a good wife and family and making your parents happy.

    Question 3

    My approach lately has been to continue to develop my jing, chi and shen, to set aims and objectives towards the target, and to follow the 10 Shaolin Laws hoping that the Cosmos will reward me with a good woman.

    Answer

    What you have done is only the preparation, which of course is important.

    Remember that God or the Cosmos help those who help themselves. Don't just hope and wait. You have to actively go out and work hard and honestly to get a good wife. Most important, you yourself must be a good husband. How you can do so and succeed will be explained below.

    Question 4

    I loved your answer to Flora of Spain where you told her how a woman could find and keep a husband. From the male perspective I know that although feminists might not agree, your suggested tactics would work 100%. You also told her how to be a good wife, and told someone else how to be a good husband.

    Answer

    The method I described has worked well for many people. I am sure it will work well for Flora.

    I think that many feminists will also agree. Some have privately confessed that the so-called feminist movement is a failure, resulting in many women unable to find husbands. Indeed, the term “feminist” is a misnomer. The movement has made many women masculine, not feminine.

    In their heart, women want to be women; they do not want to be men. They want to be treated respectfully as women. They want men to open doors for them, carry their luggage, and patiently wait for them as they help themselves first with their choicest food. They do not want to jostle for food at parties, smell of liquor, smoke cigars and put their feet on tables. Neither do men want such masculine women.

    Question 5

    Would you have any specific advice or tactics to offer for a man who wants to find a good girlfriend or wife?

    Answer

    Yes, I have plenty, and they have worked very well.

    The “Four Modes of Preparation” and the “Three Arrivals” are very good guidelines.

    First, you have to prepare yourself. This you have done quite well. You are handsome, of the right age, have a good job, and, most significantly as it gives you a very big advantage, you practice our Shaolin Wahnam arts and philosophy.

    At the risk of sounding egoistic to non-Shaolin Wahnam members, I would go so far to say that those who marry Shaolin Wahnam men or women are extremely lucky. Why? Because Shaolin Wahnam men and women are healthy, full of vitality, have mental clarity and freshness, hold and practice high moral values, and love life.

    The second mode is to observe your “opponents”, which is read here as “potential girlfriends”. First, remind yourself how lucky you are, compared to, for example, people in the UK three hundred years ago, or people now in other countries like Saudi Arabia or India. There are literally thousands of lovely women at any one place in the world waiting for good eligible men to date them, but cultural and other factors are such that it is much easier done in UK than in most other countries.

    The third mode is to evaluate your opportunities. Seize them when they arise, or create them if they are not currently present. There may be thousands of eligible girls in the UK, but if you spend most of your time bird watching in the countryside or practicing meditation with Zen monks, you are unlikely to get a girlfriend. If you are in an unlikely situation where they are few or no eligible girls in your surroundings, go to where there are plenty. For example, enroll yourself in classes of cooking, folk dancing or yoga where you can meet many lovely girls, many of whom are also waiting to meet charming men like you. If you know nothing or are not interested in these subjects, it is an added advantage for you to ask the lovely girls to teach you or challenge them to arouse your interest.

    Now you are with a group of lovely girls cooking, dancing or practicing yoga. Of course, merely cooking, dancing or practicing yoga with them is not your goal. You have to date them, take them to discos, parties, cinemas, dinners or wherever you and your girlfriend can spend some quality time together. Society has progressed so far that now all you have to do is to ask them for a date, simply and sweetly. Still, you have to use your tactics. The “Three Arrivals” are good guidelines.

    First, you must be clear where you want to take her to, and how you are going to make her happy spending time with you. Two, you must do so at a favorable time and place. And three, just do it. Ask your dream girl for a date.

    Asking her for a date when she is busy with her work or when she is with many friends may not be a suitable time and place. If necessary, you can ask if she can excuse herself from her group for a minute, and tell her in private that you would like to have a date with her. She would feel thrilled by your effort even if she could not accept your date.

    If a girl accepts your date, fine, have a nice time together. If she declines, fine too, but ask her again another time. If she declines again, ask again. Faint heart never wins a fair lady. But if she continuously declines your date, don't waste further time on her. Ask someone else. Remember that a basic tenet is not to waste your time and her time on a girl who does not love you.

    Getting a date is relatively easy. The difficult part is how to make your girlfriend value the time spent with you. Asking her, before you actually date her, where she would like to go and what she would like to do when someone dates her, is helpful. Then, at a suitable time and place, you tell her that you would like to make her wish come true. Showing care and consideration for her will win her heart, but you must not overdo it.

    As your dates progress, you can subtly suggest marriage. You may, for example, mention that it is wonderful to have a family where you can always go back to a loving wife and happy children. Then propose and marry her and live happily ever after, though disagreement may sometimes crop up to add spices to your happily married life.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans07a/may07-3.html May 2007 (Part 3)

    Question 7

    Sifu, what do you think of couples attending the Intensive Chi Kung Course together? I have introduced my other half to some of your books and she finds them a great read and admires your clarity of thought.

    Answer

    We encourage husband and wife to practice chi kung together. This will bring a lot of benefits and joys to both. It is great if both you and your wife attend the same Intensive Chi Kung Course.

    One of the many benefits of practicing high-level is developing mental clarity. You will have a chance to test your mental clarity acquired from chi kung to solve problems at the course.
    http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans11b/oct11-2.html


    Question 5

    Joel has such a kind loving heart and the teachings you have given him have made him so happy that he is more loving towards me, and he is blessed with promotions at work. Thank you for bringing him into my life, Sifu. I could not ask for a better person to share my life with and I hope I bring him happiness in his life. He has held Kung Fu close to his heart and with blessings I hope he can attend the Kung fu course along with all the Wing Choon courses and may he be blessed with his journey to enlightenment.

    Answer

    I am glad that you realize that Joel is an excellent husband. How do you become a good wife? Here are three golden rules.

    Don't Worry.
    Don't Intellectualize.
    Enjoy being a good wife
    http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans11b/sep11-1.html SEPTEMBER 2011 PART 1


    Question 1

    Sifu, our school is noted for happy family life, and you are a shining example. What in your experience is the most important factor that makes a family happy and united?

    — Sifu Maxime Citerne, France

    Answer

    In my experience the most important factor that makes my family happy and united is our regular family day. We have our family day at least once a month, usually once a week. If I include dinners together at restaurants as family days, it will be a few times every week when I am not teaching overseas.

    In our typical family day, we will all get into my comfortable multi-purpose vehicle, which can seat seven persons, and drive to the countryside or some towns far away. Peter, my son-in-law, would stock the car with drinks and tit-bits for our pleasure. There are three main activities in the car -- chatting, admiring the scenery or taking a nap. The scenery never fails to captivate me although I have seen it many times in my domestic travels.

    One particular scene I remembered very well was in a rural area about 50 kilometers away from Sungai Petani where I live. I saw an open field with porcelain cranes. When we approached I realized there were real. One of them decided to soar into the sky! I saw this lovely scene more than 20 years ago with my wife and children when my wife was beautiful and my children still small.

    I had wanted to see the scene again with the porcelain-looking cranes, but could not find it because the first time we ventured into it was by chance. But recently during a family outing we came to the same scene again with the porcelain-looking cranes, also by chance. My wife is still very beautiful but my children have grown up and are married. This time my grandson, Rowan, was with us. I even thought that the cranes could be the same.

    We eat out very often, partly because restaurant food in Malaysia is delicious and cheap, and mainly because it offers a good opportunity for the family to he happily together. Again there is a lot of talking, but no napping. There is also no playing of computer games on one's mobile phone, a feature, unfortunately, that is very common in other family gatherings. Peter called these people the drop-head gang.

    A few times when I took my wife out, we were initially surprised but later amused to find many young couples dropping their heads to play computer games on their individual mobile phones, instead of holding hands or at least chatting with each other. There should be a rule, enforced by authorities if necessary, that no courting couples or family members in a family gathering can play games on their mobile phones! This rule, if there is one, would not affect my wife and me, for despite being married for over 40 years, we found ourselves busy chatting on unimportant things.

    Question 3

    I would like to thank you for your recent spiritual topics in your “Questions and Answers” section. Because of my deteriorating health, I originally thought my spiritual commitment or desire was not enough to satisfy my spiritual helpers. I believed I went into some form of “spiritual depression”. Your words helped remove my concerns. You also helped me in another way. I realize now that I should have asked my teacher for guidance. He is a very good man and I am blessed to have him for my teacher.

    Answer

    I am glad you have found my “questions and answers” helpful.

    Before you can help others effectively, you must prepare yourself. First of all you yourself must be healthy and have the means to help others. Otherwise, not only your desire to help is futile, you also ruin yourself, which means you may not even be able to help others in future. In Western terms, this teaching is expressed as “God helps those who help themselves.”

    You should not feel depressed if you cannot help others. Helping others is an obligation, not a responsibility. Even if, for some legitimate reasons, you cannot repay your debts or fulfill your responsibilities now, you need not feel depressed. Instead you should make use of any current inability as motivation to better yourself in honest and honorable ways, so that when you are able you can be charitable, including to those unknown to you. Poverty, financially or otherwise, is not a sin, but knowing one is poor yet make no attempt to improve himself is deplorable.

    Besides yourself, the very first persons you should help are your parents, if you are so blessed to have them still with you, and your wife and children if you have a family. You must repay the “debt” you owe your parents, and fulfill your responsibilities as a husband and father before you take on the obligations of helping others. Repaying debts and responsibilities take priority over obligations, otherwise the desire to help others may be an unconscious camouflage to flatter one's ego.

    Yes, having a good teacher is a great blessing. We must always respect and honour our teachers.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans02a/may02-3.html May 2002 (Part 3)

    Question 2

    I am studying Shaolin Lau Gar KungFu but can't find any information anywhere. Can you give me any help? I train in the south of England and it has become a huge part of my life. I would like to give up work and study all day!

    — Ben, England

    Answer

    Lau Gar Kungfu was founded by Lau Sam Ngian, a Southern Shaolin master who lived in the later part of the Qing (Ching) Dynasty in China. Lau Gar and Lau Sam Ngian are Cantonese pronunciation; in Mandarin pronunciation they are Liu Jia and Liu San Yan.

    Lau Gar means Lau's Family; it was common to name the style of kungfu after the master's surname so as to avoid using the term Shaolin because the Qing army was after Shaolin disciples. Lau Sam Ngian was actually the master's nick name, and it means Lau Three Eyes, because there was a mark on the master's forehead that resembled a third eye. He was famous for his Shaolin staff techniques.

    Information on Lau Gar Kungfu is scarce. I made a passing reference to Lau Gar Kungfu in my books, “Introduction to Shaolin Kungfu” and “The Art of Shaolin Kung Fu”.

    While it is commendable to practise kungfu diligently, it is unnecessary and unwise to give all your time to it, especially in our modern societies where practising kungfu is a hobby rather than a duty. There are other important aspects of life that need our time and dedication, such as fulfilling our obligations and daily chores, spending some time with our parents, spouse and children (if you are blessed enough to have them), and devoting ourselves to mind expansion and spiritual cultivation for those who are ready. Practising kungfu should enrich our lives, not to enslave ourselves to it.

    Secondly kungfu is to be practised, not to be studied (through books or otherwise). Even if you know nothing about kungfu studies but can perform well, you can be a kungfu master. On the other hand, if you know a lot about kungfu and can deliver impressive lectures on it, but cannot perform, you may be a kungfu scholar, but you don't even qualify to be a kungfu practitioner, and not only you cannot defend yourself you may not even be fit and healthy. This of course does not mean that we should not study kungfu, but we need to bear in mind that kungfu is basically experiential, not academic.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans98a/apr98-2.html APRIL 1998 PART 2

    Question 2

    You often talk about a meaningful, rewarding life for ourselves and other people. What is a meaningful, rewarding life?

    Answer

    Different people may interpret a meaningful, rewarding life differently.

    Most women will regard a meaningful, rewarding life as being happily married and have loving children. Most men will regard a meaningful, rewarding life as being successful in public and in private.

    Some people may consider a meaningful, rewarding life as contributing to the welfare of society.

    We require certain conditions to lead a meaningful, rewarding life. We need to be healthy, to have vitality and mental clarity as well as some wisdom.

    It is difficult even to live life normally when one is not healthy. We need vitality and mental clarity to carry out the tasks required for a meaningful, rewarding life. We also need wisdom to choose and act appropriately.
    http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans13a/apr13-3.html APRIL 2013 PART 3


    Question 2

    I also wish to raise my son in the spirit of Shaolin, in a Zen environment. How should I go about this? At what age do I introduce Shaolin and Zen principles to him? And what age can he begin to practice Shaolin Kung Fu and Chi Kung?

    Answer

    Yours is a good choice, one of the best a father can do for his son. There are many ways to realize your intention. In the past, the ideal way was to send him to the Shaolin Monastery as a lay disciple, but this is not applicable today because traditional Shaolin arts are no longer taught there.

    An excellent alternative is to send your son to a real Shaolin master. Another alternative is to train under a real Shaolin master yourself, and later teach your son the way the master taught you.

    These ways, while possible, are not easy. In the past to be accepted into the Shaolin Monastery was extremely difficult. Today to find a real Shaolin master willing to teach you or your son is equally difficult.

    In theory you can introduce Shaolin and Zen principles to your son, and he can begin practising Shaolin Kungfu and Chi Kung at any age. For example, when your son is a baby you can frequently recite Shaolin principles to him, letting his subconscious mind absorb the teaching.

    And you can soak him in medicated water and then methodically strike him so that he will grow up with “copper skin and iron bones”, like what the female Shaolin master Miew Chooi Fa did to her famous son Fong Sai Yoke.

    But in practice, it is advisable to let your son grow to about twelve years old before you let him practise Shaolin Kungfu and Chi Kung, and about twenty five before you formally introduce him to Shaolin and Zen principles. But informally you can let him begin earlier — as soon as he can run or can comprehend intelligently. For example you can let him perform in a fun-ful way “Lifting the Sky”, and impress upon him that if he wants any worthy result he has to put in time and effort.

    Question 3

    My wife also would like to lose some weight that she gained during the pregnancy. Can she practice Drawing the Moon, Lifting the Sky, Separating Water, and Circular Chi Flow? She is breastfeeding. Will these exercises affect that at all?
    Answer

    “Drawing the Moon” is an excellent exercise for loosing excess weight, especially when the excess is around the waist.

    After giving birth to our first child, my wife, who was slender before, took the shape of a barrel, the result of having a lot of nourishing food during confinement. She performed “Drawing the Moon” every morning and night, and regained her slender figure within six months.

    After about 30 years of happy marriage and having given me 5 lovely children, she actually has a more attractive figure now than when I first met her. She does not do any aerobics, go on diet or follow any of the many slimming programmes on the market; she only practises the same three basic chi kung exercises I have been teaching for years to beginning students — “Lifting the Sky”, “Pushing Mountains” and “Carrying the Moon”. Besides having an attractive figure, my wife also has sparkling eyes and rosy complexion.

    If your wife practises “Lifting the Sky”, “Separating Water”, and Circular Chi Flow correctly, these exercises will enhance her breast-feeding function as well as make her fit and healthy.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans01a/jan01-1.html January 2001 (Part 1)


    Question 2

    I also wish to raise my son in the spirit of Shaolin, in a Zen environment. How should I go about this? At what age do I introduce Shaolin and Zen principles to him? And what age can he begin to practice Shaolin Kung Fu and Chi Kung?

    Answer

    Yours is a good choice, one of the best a father can do for his son. There are many ways to realize your intention. In the past, the ideal way was to send him to the Shaolin Monastery as a lay disciple, but this is not applicable today because traditional Shaolin arts are no longer taught there.

    An excellent alternative is to send your son to a real Shaolin master. Another alternative is to train under a real Shaolin master yourself, and later teach your son the way the master taught you.

    These ways, while possible, are not easy. In the past to be accepted into the Shaolin Monastery was extremely difficult. Today to find a real Shaolin master willing to teach you or your son is equally difficult.

    In theory you can introduce Shaolin and Zen principles to your son, and he can begin practising Shaolin Kungfu and Chi Kung at any age. For example, when your son is a baby you can frequently recite Shaolin principles to him, letting his subconscious mind absorb the teaching.

    And you can soak him in medicated water and then methodically strike him so that he will grow up with “copper skin and iron bones”, like what the female Shaolin master Miew Chooi Fa did to her famous son Fong Sai Yoke.

    But in practice, it is advisable to let your son grow to about twelve years old before you let him practise Shaolin Kungfu and Chi Kung, and about twenty five before you formally introduce him to Shaolin and Zen principles. But informally you can let him begin earlier — as soon as he can run or can comprehend intelligently. For example you can let him perform in a fun-ful way “Lifting the Sky”, and impress upon him that if he wants any worthy result he has to put in time and effort.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans01a/jan01-1.html January 2001 (Part 1)


    Question 1

    My question is about the third of the Ten Shaolin Laws listed on your web page: “Required to be filial to parents, be respectful to the elderly, and protective of the young.” Could you please elaborate on the first part — “be filial to parents”.

    — Aaron, USA

    Answer

    To have your parents still alive is one of the most blessed things that can happen to you. To be filial to them is one of the best things you can ever do. It will bring you a lot of blessings. And it is highly spiritual, more spiritual than praying to God in a church or temple.

    It is actually easy to be filial to one's parents if he really wants to. Be kind and loving to them. Do not go against their wishes even if their wishes are in conflict with yours. This is a small sacrifice to repay the tremendous debt you owe them for bringing you to this world and for bringing you up. Do not argue with them. If you need to disagree with them, do so gently and politely.

    Many people want to work hard to earn a lot of money so that they can make their parents comfortable. They want to buy their parents expensive gifts or send them for holidays. In their busy schedule they often forget about their parents.

    What their parents want are not expensive gifts or comfortable lives. No parents would ever mind if their children are poor, or their lives not comfortable. Indeed when their children were small, they would sacrifice anything for their children. They would gladly go without food so that their children could eat better; they would gladly withstand cold so that their children could keep warmth with their blankets. Now that their children are grown up, all they want is to have their children visit them often, hold their hands and talk to them.

    Your parents cannot be with you forever. One day they have to go. Be kind and loving to them when they are still around. You have only one chance. Make the best of this one chance so that in the future you can tell yourself and your children you have done your best to be kind and loving to your parents.

    Question 2

    I have had difficulty relating with both my parents since my early teens (I'm now age 27). In the past decade especially, we have been cordial but rather distant with each other. I have some confusion on this. In the past I blamed them, then blamed myself. After I stopped blaming, I wondered if this was karmic, i.e. it was somehow in the natural order of things that for some or all of my lifetime, I do not have a strong connection with my family.

    Now, I love, respect and accept them, even though we are not close. I would like to be closer to them, though I feel conflicted on this. I will be very grateful if you have the time to answer this question.

    Answer

    Earlier you could not relate with your parents due to your ignorance, arrogance or other factors. But now you are different. You have made a tremendous realization. You realize it is futile to blame anybody, and most important you want to be close to your parents, to make good what you could have done in the past.

    It is easy to be close to your parents — physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Sit close to them, hold their hands. Genuinely feel for them, let your heart throb with theirs. Think of them, think of the kindness they showered on you when you were small, and think of the kind things you can do for them now when you have grown up. Every night as you go to bed, say a prayer to bless them, wishing them good health and longevity.

    Karma is cause and effect. Karma is never static, it is always evolving. If it was karmic that you did not have a strong connection with your family, it was due to some causes in the past. Those causes have been enacted out. Now you are building new causes, which will have new effects for the present and the future.

    Karma is operated through thoughts, speech and deeds. When you think kindly of your parents, speak kindly to your parents, and act kindly to your parents, you will create good karma resulting in a loving family. You and your parents will be close to each other.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans02b/jul02-1.html July 2002 (Part 1)
    On my way to understanding the greatness of gratitude.
    Thank you Sifu, Sigung, and Past Masters!

  4. #4
    Join Date
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    Sexuality and Sexual Performance

    Question

    I am getting married in a few months time. I am also practising Taijiquan. I'm concerned about my 'marital duties' being affected by not wanting to lose jing.

    — Wan, Singapore

    Answer

    Your concern is unnecessary and built upon wrong concepts. For you and your needs, as for most normal people, it is not only unharmful to lose “jing” or semen in the course of carrying out your marital duties, which fortunately are pleasurable to carry out, it is actually natural, beneficial and the right thing to do. As a husband it is your duty to love and care for your wife, which includes providing semen to fertilize her ovum so that she can fulfill her role as a mother. All great teachings, including Taoism, advocate this.

    In the provision of semen you should do so in a most loving and joyful way, caring for her well being, and not selfishly worrying whether you would lose energy. If you have the urge and ability to make love, Mother Nature has ensured you have sufficient energy for this purpose. Indeed, the reverse can be harmful. Withholding ejaculation when Nature wants you to release, is unnatural.

    There is also nothing in Taijiquan that advocates withholding ejaculation. Throughout history Taijiquan and other kungfu masters have had many children — fathered by the masters themselves. There has been no mentioned at all that fathering a child, evidence of ejaculation, would make a martial artist less healthy or less efficient.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/sp-issues...al-duties.html MARITAL DUTIES AND KUNGFU TRAINING

    Question 7

    Back to my first question, in your view is homosexuality wrong?

    — Jussi, USA

    Answer

    I don't think homosexuality is wrong, but it is certainly unnatural. As an analogy, to be sick is not wrong, but it is unnatural. It is natural to be healthy.

    If a person is sick, he can get well, irrespective of the illness, including so-called incurable disease, because it is natural to be healthy. Practicing genuine chi kung is an excellent way to help a sick person become healthy.

    If a person is homosexual, regardless that some experts say it is due to biological reasons, he can become heterosexual again, because for humans it is natural to be heterosexual. Practicing genuine chi kung is an excellent way to help a homosexual person become heterosexual again.

    How does practicing genuine chi kung help a homosexual person become heterosexual again if it is presumably true that the cause of his homosexuality is due to biological reasons? It is because genuine chi kung will help him regain yin-yang harmony. In everyday language it means that practicing genuine chi kung will help him to adjust himself accordingly to changing conditions both inside and outside his body so that he regains his normal, healthy condition.

    This is the same as overcoming diseases. A person is sick due to biological reasons. Some parts in his body is not adjusting accordingly to changing conditions inside or outside his body. For example, if his own systems cannot adjust to viruses, he may have a viral infection. Practicing genuine chi kung will help him make the appropriate adjustment, and he will overcome the viruses and be healthy again.

    If the cause of his homosexuality is not biological, but due to other reasons like social, environmental or other factors, practicing genuine chi kung will also help him overcome the problem. It is the same as overcoming illness. Some diseases are due to stress or environmental changes, but practicing genuine chi kung can overcome these factors and enable the patients to be healthy again.

    It is important to practice genuine chi kung. Much of chi kung practice today is actually gentle physical exercise, and gentle physical exercise, though it may give benefits like loosening muscles and socialization, cannot overcome homosexuality or illness. Many students in our school have overcome illness, and some have overcome homosexuality.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans15b/aug15-1.html AUGUST 2015 PART 1

    Question 6

    Sigung, our sifu told us to rest for 15 minutes after practicing chi kung before having sex. You just told us that we can enhance whatever we do, including sex, if we perform it in chi flow. I am a bit confused which advice should I follow.

    — Yves, Switzerland

    Answer

    Both advice is correct.

    Waiting for about 15 minutes after chi kung before enjoying sex is to prevent a drain of energy. You have developed a lot of energy in your chi kung training. If you have sex immediately, you may drain a lot of energy away -- unless you wish to donate this energy to your sex partner.

    As you know well, we are constantly improving our teaching methodology. Now we teach our students to have a flow, not a drain. If they have this skill, when they expend energy in what ever they do, including enjoying sex, new good energy can flow in. This will enable them to perform better and enjoy more.

    Our Shaolin and Taijiquan students employ this skill when they spar. Thus, they can spar for hours yet do not feel tired or panting for breath.

    We have not, and don't intend to -- at least in the foreseeable future -- to teach our students how to apply this skill in their sexual performance. But smart students can easily make the skill transfer. The key factor is to relax.
    http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans12a/apr12-1.html APRIL 2012 PART 1

    Question 7

    Is it OK to activate or rather gently focus on the Small Universe during sex? Are there any important points to be aware off? Can there be any negative effects for my girlfriend or for me?

    — John, UK

    Answer

    Yes, it is alright to gently activate the Small Universe during sex. Once the Small Universe is activated, just let it flow spontaneously. There is no need to continue focusing on it. Needless to say, you should focus on your partner's as well as your own enjoyment.

    At any time, if you realize that the small universal energy flow has stopped or slowed down remarkably, you may, if you like, gently reactivate it, without distracting from your and your partner's sexual performance and enjoyment.

    If you are unaware of it, or if you don't like to reactivate it, it is alright too. If the small universal flow is on, both you and your partner will have much benefit. But there is no harm if the small universal flow is not activated or if it has slowed down or stopped.
    http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans11a/jun11-3.html JUNE 2011 PART 3

    Question 4

    I have a responsible job as the top manage of a large company with more than a thousand employees. I haven't been a top manager before. How do I know I can do well as a top manager?

    — Julio, Venezeula

    Answer

    There is always the first time in anything, regardless of being a top manager or making love.

    A good ;piece of advice is to apply the three golden rules of practice:

    Don't worry
    Don't intellectualize
    Enjoy your practice

    Don't worry about how to be a good manager or to make love. Just do it.

    Don't intellectualize on how you know you are a good manager or you are making love. Just do it.

    Enjoy being a good manager or making love. It is much better if other people or your partner also enjoy your practice.
    http://shaolin.org/answers/ans12a/may12-1.html MAY 2012 PART 1

    Oh, so this is what the UK Summer Camp was preparing us for: Just do it!

    With sincere respect,
    Olli
    On my way to understanding the greatness of gratitude.
    Thank you Sifu, Sigung, and Past Masters!

  5. #5
    Charles David's Avatar
    Charles David is offline Sifu Charles Chalmers - Instructor, Shaolin Wahnam Canada
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Brunei Darussalam
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    3,164
    Thanks, Olli! Good work! I'm sure many people will enjoy and benefit from your anthology of Sifu's teaching on these important subjects.



    Yours,

    Charles
    Charles David Chalmers
    Brunei Darussalam

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