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10 Questions on Happy Family Life

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  • #46
    Dear Sifu,

    Thank you for this wonderful insight & advice

    Thanks also to Olli for starting this thread and Sihing Markus for a great question
    Sifu Andy Cusick

    Shaolin Wahnam Thailand
    Shaolin Qigong

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    "a trained mind brings health and happiness"
    - ancient wisdom

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    • #47
      Happy Family Life Question and Answer 10 -- Part 1

      Question 10

      How to deal with betrayal?

      It happens sometimes even in good, long term relationships, and causes a lot of pain.

      Is t wise to keep it going in reason of children?

      Karol

      Answer

      There are different types of betrayals. Betrayals can be between friends, between husband and wife, between father and son, and between master and student.

      Although there are different types of betrayals, dealing with betrayals can be the same, but different people may deal with the different types of betrayals differently. In other words, three persons, A, B and C, may have three different ways of dealing with betrayals between friends, between husband and wife, between father and son, and between master and student, but each of the three persons will deal with the different types of betrayals the same way.

      A may forgive his friend, forgive his wife (or husband), forgive his son (or father), and forgive his student (ir master). B may be indifferent at his friend, indifferent at his wife, indifferent at his son, and indifferent at his student. C may be angry at his friend, angry at his wife, angry at his son, and angry at his student.

      To be forgiving, indifferent and angry represents three typical responses to a situation, which are good, average and bad. In real life, when betrayed, very few will be forgiving, almost none will be indifferent, and almost all will be angry. Some may want to take revenge, and a few, if not angry, will be sad.

      But I have classified the responses into three categories because they are the usual responses to situations. In some situation, such as health and attitude towards chi kung, most people will be indifferent, some good and some bad.

      Whether one’s response to betrayals is good, average or bad depends much on his philosophy of life. Most family members in our school will be forgiving, because that is how we have been trained. Two cardinal values in our school are wisdom and compassion. It is wise and compassionate to be forgiving.

      Although forgiving betrayals in our school forms the majority, it is a rare minority in general. As mentioned earlier, very few people in societies will forgive betrayals, almost all will be angry, and almost none will be indifferent.

      Why is it wise and compassionate to forgive? Leaving aside fine points of Cosmic occurrences which actually happen, betrayers may not know whether victims forgive them, but the victims will harm themselves if their response is bad, will be indifferent if their response is indifferent, and will be good if their response is good. It is wise to be good, foolish to harm themselves, and mediocre to be indifferent.

      How do victims harm themselves if their response is bad, if they are angry or want to take revenge against betrayals? The negative energy resulting from their bad response will clock up their natural energy network and bring about illness. In fact, in my many years of chi kung healing, I have discovered that a lot of so-called incurable diseases are due to blocked emotions. Even if the victims are not clinically sick, the energy blockage will affect many aspects of their daily life. Obviously, it is unwise to be sick or to have poor results in daily life..

      When a victim is angry, wants to take revenge or has any manifestations of a bad response to a betrayal, he (or she) not only negates compassion but actively approaches cruelty. It is not just subjective, i.e. cruel people may argue that to be cruel is better than to be compassionate, but cruelty brings harm as it causes energy blockage. Obviously, it is foolish to cause harm to himself.

      On the other hand, leaving aside altruism which we believe in and value highly, wisdom and compassion bring benefits. Indeed,, many people have kindly commented that I am wise and compassionate. I owe these desirable qualities to being forgiving.

      (Part 2 follows)

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      • #48
        Happy Family Life Question and Answer 10 -- Part 2

        (Continued from Part 1)

        Yes, even in a good, long term relationship, a betrayal sometimes happens, and it causes a lot of pain. But with wisdom and compassion, which we learn from our school, we can much minimize the pain. At an advanced level of our development, we may even change this problem of betrayal into an opportunity for development!

        My own experience may serve as a useful lesson. You can read the details from my autobiography, “The Way of the Master.”

        About 30 years ago in the 1980s I was bitterly betrayed by a chi kung master and some senior students of Shaolin Wahnam Association. I helped the chi kung master in some difficult situations, and offered him a post as a chi kung healer in a company I set up with two other partners. Yet, he betrayed me – bitterly.

        I taught senior disciples of Shaolin Wahnam Association secrets that most masters would keep as top secrets. One of the senior disciples told me, after just a few months of training, that his assistant instructor was very surprised when he countered a seemingly formidable attack. Another senior disciple, whom I gave money to in his difficulty, became famous for lion dance, and he performed a spectacular lion dance just one week after an appendicitis operation. I helped another senior disciple to become a kungfu and lion dance instructor in another school, and shared with him some highly paid remunerations in teaching kungfu and lion dance in another school.

        Yet, they all betrayed me. I transformed from a highly respected master to a bad guy in town, especially when I supported a world known master, Sifu Yan Xing of China, in distant chi transmission.

        But I forgave all of them. I changed their betrayals to opportunities for improvement. These senior disciples were the push factors for my travels overseas and subsequently established Shaolin Wahnam Institute. Chi flow, a hallmark of our school, was much influenced by the chi kung master who betrayed me.

        I forgave all of them and wished them well. One of the betrayers, who is not one of the three senior disciples mentioned above, but whom I specially taught Choe Family Wing Choon Kungfu when he requested it, would have died if not for my chi kung healing – at a time when his betrayal was still fresh.

        There was an interesting episode. A few years ago, students of former Shaolin Wahnam Association organized a dinner in my honour. As I entered the door for the dinner, an elderly, cheerful man came out to greet me. He looked familiar but I could not remember him. Later, another disciple told me that the elderly, cheerful man was the one who betrayed me, the one whom I saved with chi kung healing. He renounced the world and dedicated himself to spiritual cultivation. I was glad that he was happy. 30 years ago when he was my student, he hardly smiled.

        Whether it is wise to keep a relationship despite a betrayal for the sake of their children, depends on numerous factor, some of which are the life philosophy of the victim, how serious was the betrayal, and the age and understanding of the children.

        Suppose a wife had sexual affairs with another man, and the husband found it out, the husband may forgive his wife if he loves her dearly and the wife stops the affairs. After all, in modern societies there is no guarantee that a man or a woman does not have prior sex before marriage. If the husband has a poor philosophy of life and dislikes her, it is a valid reason, or an excuse, to divorce her, irrespective of whether they have children.

        If the husband is sexually inadequate but loves his wife dearly, and the other man is good, it is wise to keep the relationship, not only for the sake of their children, but also for the pleasure of his wife and the other man, as well as his own happiness despite his inadequacy. If they have no children, or if the children are big and understanding, he can divorce his wife after making sure the other man will marry her.

        If their children are small and the husband is sexually capable, but the wife finds it more pleasurable to have sex with another man, it is wise to pretend not to know although he knows of his wife extra-marital affair,s. He can have six with his wife whenever he can, or have sex with other women when his sexual urge is demanding.

        Such wisdom is rare. Most husbands will quarrel with their wives, and everyone involved suffers.

        <End>

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        • #49
          Dear Sigung,

          Thank You so much for answering my question.

          With Shaolin Salute

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          • #50
            Dear everyone,

            You thought the we are all done already? Nope.

            I was a bit distracted for a while and forgot about two questions that I had already accepted, and so they were unintentionally skipped over. In his usual generosity and wisdom to turn problems into opportunities, Sigung kindly agreed to answer these two as bonus questions.

            I will provide these answers next week. Stay tuned for the conclusion!

            With sincere gratitude,
            Olli

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            • #51
              Happy Family Life Question and Answer -- Bonus 1

              Bonus Question 1

              How to pacify crying, angry, or temperal children, aged from babies to grown ups? How can the parents keep children from fighting each other?

              Atte

              Answer

              There are many ways to pacify crying, angry or temperamental children, such as giving them what they want, ignoring them, or use the occasion as an opportunity to teach them some good values.

              The many ways to pacify children can be classified into three groups – good, average and bad.

              Giving them what they want, especially when what they want is unreasonable, is bad. Ignoring them is average. Using it as an opportunity to teach them good values is good.

              Choosing a good response to a given situation, not necessary in pacifying children but in any situation, is a skill that needs mental clarity and energy. If one has no mental clarity, or if he has mental clarity but his mind is crowded by myriad thought, which is common to most people, he cannot differentiate tween good , average and bad. He may not even know that he can classify responses into these three categories.

              If he has no energy, he just cannot make a good decision.

              So, if you, like Atte who is Olli’s brother-in-law, want to have mental clarity and energy, it is time to learn chi kung or kungfu, or both, from our school. It is useful to know that today genuine chi kung and genuine kungfu are rare, and to be able to use the benefits of genuine chi kung and genuine kungfu for daily living is rarer still.

              Many people will give children what they want. Some people may ignore the children’s demand. Very few people will use it as an opportunity to teach the children some good values. They don’t do so because they don’t have the skill.

              If a child is crying because he wants a toy, give him the toy. But if he wants to ride on a motor-cycle which can be dangerous, tell the child that it is better to ride in a car. Take the child and your car for a ride.

              What good values has the child learnt? He has learnt that as he is too small, it is dangerous to ride a motor-cycle. He also has learnt that it is more comfortable to be driven in a car. It may, you never can tell, imprint on his child’s mind that when he grows up he will buy a car instead of a motor-cycle.

              If a child is angry or temperamental because he wants to ride on a motor-cycle and he cannot have his wish fulfilled, tell him, even in his childish mind, that it is unhealthy to be angry and temperamental, and it is healthy to be happy. Here is a fact that even many adults may not know, and you impress this good value into the child’s mind. Make him happy from being angry or being temperamental. You may, for example, perform some antics or clownish action.

              <End>

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              • #52
                Happy Family Life Question and Answer -- Bonus 2 Part 1

                Bonus Question 2

                In your Q&A from May 2007 part 3 Question 1 (http://shaolin.org/answers/ans07a/may07-3.html) you mention that the cause of a broken heart is being in love with love. To be honest at first I didn't see any deeper meaning but now having more experience I have a slightly deeper understanding of what you meant. On a website about Buddhism I read that there are two kinds of love, unconditional love and conditional love also called selfish love. It is also mentioned that one should avoid conditional love. I think being in love with love is conditional love.

                Can Sigung please tell us the philosophical differences of conditional and unconditional love, how situations change due to this philosophical differences for example in finding a suitable partner, being in a relationship, having children and a happy family life and how to cultivate unconditional love and avoid conditional love?

                Bernhard

                Answer

                Many people are in love with love, usually without their conscious knowing. It is a part of growing up.

                John, for example, thinks that he loves Mary. It does not matter if it is another girl, who can be Elizabeth or Jane. If John is with Elizabeth, he things he loves Elizabeth. If John is with Jane, he thinks he loves Jane. Actually John is not in love with Mary, Elizabeth or Jane: he is in love with love.

                Love may be classified into two types – unconditional and conditional.

                Unconditional love is love without any conditions. A spiritualist loves people, irrespective of whether the people are rich or poor, kings or paupers. A Shaolin Wahnam member loves life, irrespective of whether the day is sunny or rainy, whether he is in a crowded city or on a lonely island.

                Conditional love is love with conditions, or at least one condition, although the conditions may not be mentioned or the lover may not consciously realize the conditions. A man, for example, loves a woman because she is pretty, or because she has some desirable qualities. If she is ugly or does not have the desirable qualtiies, he may not love her. Shaolin Wahnam members love chi kung because chi kung brings benefits. If chi kung does not bring benefits, they may not love it.

                Conditional love is called selfish because it has at least one condition that satisfies the self. A man loves a woman because she is pretty, which is conditional and selfish. Her prettiness is a condition and it satisfies the man’s self.

                To be selfish is not necessarily bad. Self-survival for example, is a very important principle of life, and it is selfish. A man loving a pretty woman, which is selfish, can be good.

                On the other hand unconditional love is not necessarily good, though it usually is. A maniac with the unconditional love of raping women, irrespective of whether the women are young or old, pretty or ugly, is bad.

                (Part 2 follows)

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                • #53
                  Brilliant I am looking forward to Part 2

                  Best wishes
                  Mark

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                  • #54
                    Happy Family Life Question and Answer -- Bonus 2 Part 2

                    (Continued from Part 1)

                    One should avoid conditional love if it is bad. If it is good, he should welcome it. Good is what brings benefits, and bad is what brings harm.

                    Free sparring in most other martial art schools, and free sparring in Shaolin Wahnam are both conditional love. Practitioners in most other martial art schools and in Shaolin Wahnam love free sparring because it is a required condition in their schools and our school. Free sparring in most other schools where practitioners harm themselves with a generous exchange of blows, is bad. Free sparring in Shaolin Wahnam where our family members learn combat efficiency with proper combat application is good.

                    Whether one regards being in love with love is conditional or unconditional, depends on his interpretation. If a man is in love with love, but the girl he thinks he is in love with must be one he likes, it is conditional. If the girl can be any girl, irrespective of whether he likes her or not, it is unconditional. Usually when one is in love with love, it is conditional.

                    As mentioned earlier, conditional love is love with conditions, and unconditional love is love without conditions.

                    A man loves a woman because she is young. Being young is a condition. When the condition changes, when the woman grows old, the man does not love her. Here is an example of how situations change due to philosophical difference. If he still loves her despite her age, then the love, which started as conditional becomes unconditional.

                    In a relationship, as I mentioned in the answer you provided, an essential condition to love a woman is that she must also love you. If she does not love you, no matter how much you love her, you should leave her alone. However, if the situation changes, if she later loves you, you can love her, provided you haven’t given your love to another woman.

                    When you have children, you must love your children. It is because they are your children. It is conditional love. If you love other children too, it is unconditional love.

                    Having a happy family life is conditional love. There are five conditions to attain a happy family life, namely to have get-togethers regularly, to say truthful things your family members like to hear, to let them live their own lives, to help them in times of difficulties, and to encourage them in words and deeds.

                    We in Shaolin Wahnam cultivate unconditional love, though our family members may not realize it consciously. Every time we practice our arts, we smile form our heart. This makes us happy irrespective of where we are, and what exercise we sjhall perform. We find each day a beautiful day, irrespective of whether it rains or shines.

                    We avoid conditional love only if it is bad. If it is good we welcome it. We love to practice our chi kung because it gives us good health, vitality and longevity. The conditions are that we must be relaxed and free of all thoughts. We love to practice kungfu because it gives us combat efficiency and internal force. The conditions are that we must use kungfu skills and techniques, and that we must not tense our muscles.

                    <End>

                    <All Questions Answered>

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                    • #55
                      My Deepest Gratitude: Zen and Happy Family Life

                      Dear Shaolin Wahnam Family,

                      A big thanks to everyone again for taking part in this brilliant Q&A series!

                      What an absolutely stunning finish by Sigung. I will repeat the last two paragraphs here with highlight so that everyone gets a second chance to reflect upon this.

                      We in Shaolin Wahnam cultivate unconditional love, though our family members may not realize it consciously. Every time we practice our arts, we smile form our heart. This makes us happy irrespective of where we are, and what exercise we sjhall perform. We find each day a beautiful day, irrespective of whether it rains or shines.

                      We avoid conditional love only if it is bad. If it is good we welcome it. We love to practice our chi kung because it gives us good health, vitality and longevity. The conditions are that we must be relaxed and free of all thoughts. We love to practice kungfu because it gives us combat efficiency and internal force. The conditions are that we must use kungfu skills and techniques, and that we must not tense our muscles.
                      Although this was not a Q&A series about Zen, bits like this really captivated my heart. Zen is love, and life is wonderful.

                      Last, but not least, I would like to give my special thanks and Shaolin salutation to Sigung who was very loving for agreeing to my inquiry and trusting me with managing the series. It was a great and fun learning process, which I treasure immensely.

                      Now I will happily volunteer to convert this Q&A series into English and Finnish PDF editions to complete my part of the work.

                      With sincere gratitude,
                      Olli
                      Last edited by understanding; 27th May 2017, 01:29 PM.

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                      • #56
                        Thank you Olli for managing this thread, it has been an inspiration to read.

                        Thank you Sifu for your wonderful answers and sharing your wisdom.


                        Best regards,

                        Nessa
                        Nessa Kahila
                        Shaolin Nordic Finland

                        www.shaolin-nordic.com

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                        • #57
                          Thank you Sifu for the wonderful answers

                          Best wishes
                          Mark

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                          • #58
                            Ahh what a pleasure it is coming home from a great Chi Kung weekend with Sigung in Gutenstein Austria finding Sigungs answer.

                            Thank you very much Sigung for answering my question and giving such a profound answer.

                            Thank you very much Olli Sidai for your work and effort.

                            All the best :-)
                            o\
                            Bernhard
                            "No matter what you do, you must be clear in your conscience." - Sitaigung Ho
                            "Goodness begets goodness." - Sigung

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