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  • I'm sorry

    You were right. I had closed my heart to good advice. I wondered why,
    all my life, i have been acting like that. Is it possible that i want to be
    unhappy?
    One day, in a sports' newspaper, i read that a soccer team was ''addicted
    to mediocrity''. Obviously, that was just a humorous sentence to make a
    point. Yet, it made me wonder, am i a similar case? Addicted to misery?
    Is addiction to misery a thing?
    I googled ''addiction to misery'' and discovered a disorder called negaholism.
    This disease makes you want to be miserable. You don't like it, but you
    still want it, because that's what the disease does. This is obviously what i
    have.
    There is no way out of this pitfall. We all know that nobody can help someone
    who does not want to be helped. But i CANNOT WANT to be helped, this is
    what the disease does. If someone recommends a way to combat it, i will
    ignore it, because i want to keep being miserable, even though i hate it. It's
    a deadly cycle that cannot be broken.
    Now that i know what i am, a lost cause, i want to apologize for the way i
    behaved earlier. But can you blame me for having been born and lived under
    circumstances that caused me this? It's as if they forced addictive drugs
    through my throat. Just like girls who get kidnapped and get addicted to
    drugs by force so that they will be obedient prostitutes cannot be blamed
    when, even if they're released, they will return to the brothel once their
    withdrawal symptoms hit. Just like those poor unlucky girls are lost causes,
    so am i.
    I was just unlucky in my life, that's all. Happiness isn't for everyone.
    Scientific research has shown it too: there is no such thing as free will;
    we are what circumstances turn us into (i found this scientific fact
    during my forementioned googling).
    Never forget how blessed you are for having the chance to live a peaceful
    life, having fun with kung fu. Be grateful. That's the primary reason i posted
    this; for you to realize your own luck.

  • #2
    No one is ever a lost cause until they've decided to give up. You don't have to give up if you don't want to, regardless of what some nitwit on the internet says. If you want to live without getting better, go right ahead, but otherwise, don't give up. Just smile from the heart, and things will get better, day by day, until you are able to do what you need to do to allow yourself to be healed. Just keep smiling from the heart, and you will create the causes for a good, healthy life.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Alex McLeod View Post
      If you want to live without getting better, go right ahead.
      I want to, that's what this disease does. It makes you want to be miserable, even though you
      hate it. It's not some term Internet community came up with, it's real. I know it because i have
      had it since i was a toddler, i just now learnt the term. It's this cycle...
      -I have negaholism.
      -There are ways to combat this disorder, to train your mind into thinking positively.
      -I don't want to use those techniques, i want to keep being miserable.
      -But do you like it?
      -No.
      -Then why do you want it?
      -Because i have negaholism.
      See? No way out of this grave.

      Comment


      • #4
        From the chi kung perspective all illness -what ever it may be - is caused by chi blockage. If you can clear the blockage, normal health is restored.
        You have a very good chance in finding genuine chi kung, and if you are lucky enough to be accepted as a student, with correct practice you can overcome your problems.

        Making your health problems your identity: this is who I am, is not wise. You are not your problems. And you cannot use them as an excuse for not making the effort to get better.

        Many people have overcome much more serious health problems and serious illness with Shaolin Chi Kung. You can do so too.


        Best wishes,

        Nessa
        Nessa Kahila
        Shaolin Nordic Finland
        Instructor
        nessa@shaolin-nordic.com

        www.shaolin-nordic.com

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Lost Soul View Post
          See? No way out of this grave.
          I didn't ask you to do anything but smile and not give up. Surely, this is not an insurmountable task. Just do it. Eventually, you will overcome this. Eventually, you will be ready to take real action, like seeking a teacher. But now is not then. Your heart is too sick to believe even in feeling better. Just practice smiling from the heart, and it will grow strong enough to see a way out of this problem. It's not hard. Just smile. As frequently as possible. Then you will have hope. Then you will be able to help yourself. It may feel like it's far away. But by smiling from the heart, it will be closer than you can imagine in your current state.

          Comment


          • #6
            Hello everyone!



            Dear Lost Soul

            The first part of your first post reminded me of my self. In the past I googled lots of things I would put in a category similar to your example but honestly 95% of these internet searches didn't benefit me long term.

            You yourself are saying that you have 'negaholism'. I think you have to consider a few things.

            Every time you google symptoms you can find bad or even extreme deadly diseases and unless you are trained in medicine I think it is very unlikely that you will make an appropriate diagnosis. It is not only important what you have but how intense it is too. By the way I am not trained in medicine.

            Once during a healing session with Andrew Sipak from Switzerland I told him what I had. We talked in German. Suddenly he said something like 'No no you don't have it'. At first I didn't understand what he meant and I thought to myself 'What have I said?'. But then I understood that I should talk about pain and illness in the past tense. This was and still is an important lesson.
            And now I think every person, every being is deep in the inside good. Pain and illness are manifestation of the bad. I don't want to be bad.
            A few weeks ago I too thought something like your question. Why do I hold on to bad things? Do I really want to be happy? But then I thought the questions are not important because I have to do it anyway. Last December I was in hospital due to panic attacks and there have been panic and fear issues so far. I do not want to have these issues. This is the important point. In the past Buddhism gave me answers that helped me more than the answers Christianity gave me and that's why I believe that if I don't to it now I have to do it in the next life. It is my decision when to start, but in this life I have the opportunity.
            Three weeks ago I made a plan. Every day I take a few minutes to smile from the heart. Often I do it a few times a day. I practice Chi Kung. Most of the time Hula Hoop. I discovered that I should avoid coffee because even a light one is to much. Every month in the next three month I compare the results of my practice with the goal which I want to reach. There have been up and downs so far but on the whole I am in a better position. And compared how I thought it would be and how it now feels it is is like walking on a treadmill compared to walking in nature going from a bad place to a place where things a much more beautiful and meanwhile there are more and more pretty things nearby.

            I know more or less where I have started. I have had fear and panic attacks. I have had symptoms of narcissism. I know where I want to go. I want to be optimistic. I want to be confident. I want to value other people. I want to have healthy relationships especially with a girl. Later I want to have my own family with children, but first I have to be a good and healthy man and go every step to reach that goal.



            And what are 30 days, a few month or even a year compared to 50 or 70 years of happiness?


            All the best :-D



            Bernhard
            "No matter what you do, you must be clear in your conscience." - Sitaigung Ho
            A single light can eliminate the darkness of millenia.
            Every moment is precious.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Bernhard View Post
              In the past Buddhism gave me answers that helped me more than the answers Christianity gave me
              I didn't mention this story in the OP, because it was off topic in this forum, but, speaking of
              Christianism...

              At some point during last year, i started visiting a church. For a while, it wasn't bad. But, one
              day, on the churches bench, i found a christian magazine. There, i read the following (not word
              for word):
              Nobody deserves Heaven. If you sin at least once in your lifetime, you deserve Hell. Everybody
              has sinned at least once in his lifetime. Even aborted babies have inherited the original sin, so
              they're not sinless either. Therefore, everybody deserves Hell. God gives us a chance to enter
              Heaven without deserving it, because he is merciful and loving.
              That killed me inside. The thought that i will never deserve Heaven no matter what i do made me
              lose all hope. Even if i enter Heaven, i will still know that i don't deserve being there, and that
              thought will be torturing me for eternity.
              Once more, i googled and found something in the blog of a pastor that said something similar (not
              word for word):
              Don't ask God to give you what you deserve. If God gave us what we deserve, every human
              that has ever lived would end up in Hell. You think God is unfair? You are right, he is. He has
              done one unfair thing: letting Jesus be tortured and die as guilty for our sins, so that we will
              have the chance to be saved. That's how much he loves us! I don't know why God did that
              for us, but i'm glad he did.
              This made me feel even worse. The thought that someone else (Jesus) was punished for my
              sins so that i can have eternal life tortures me beyond belief. All answers to that article were
              like ''wow, amazing, this fills me with so much hope'' and the pastor gave answers like ''good,
              i'm happy for you''. But it does not fill me with hope. It only fills me with remorse. I posted that
              as an answer to the article, but my answer was erased soon. I guess that was a way of the
              writer to say to me ''i have no answer for that, if you feel this way, just feel this way''.
              Alas, i stopped going to the church, i stopped praying. I no longer want Heaven. I no longer
              want any relationship with God. I want to receive my fair punishment from God, which is eternal
              Hell.

              Comment


              • #8
                Hello!


                I think about it a little bit differently. As far as I know everybody who says that he or she doesn't do the bad thing anymore and then really does good things can go to heaven. I think it is very unrealistic to go to hell because of one bad thing compared to thousands of good things. It is seeing only the negative. And not every Christian believes in the original sin and I think it is just a reminder to avoid bad things and to do good things. Who ever invented the original sin had a good intention. He or she wanted others to be good people and experience god. What is good? What is bad? Good is what benefits oneself and others. Bad is what harms oneself and others.


                Have a nice day! :-)


                Bernhard
                "No matter what you do, you must be clear in your conscience." - Sitaigung Ho
                A single light can eliminate the darkness of millenia.
                Every moment is precious.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Lost Soul View Post
                  I no longer
                  want any relationship with God. I want to receive my fair punishment from God, which is eternal
                  Hell.
                  I guess you've decided to get a jump start on living in eternal hell by making your life hell here and now. Hell is a state of mind. All it takes to move into Heaven is a shift in perception. When you are ready to stop torturing yourself, smile, and help will be available to you. Until then, enjoy your chosen mental hell.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Bernhard View Post
                    Hello!


                    I think about it a little bit differently. As far as I know everybody who says that he or she doesn't do the bad thing anymore and then really does good things can go to heaven. I think it is very unrealistic to go to hell because of one bad thing compared to thousands of good things. It is seeing only the negative.
                    This is not what Christian religion preaches. God has set absolute perfection as the standard to enter Heaven, otherwise it wouldn't
                    be called Heaven. If you sin at least once, you deserve Hell. Therefore, we all deserve Hell. God gives us a chance to be purified
                    (cleansed of our sins) and enter Heaven, but this is a gift we did not deserve, he only gave it to us because he loved us; according
                    to his law, he shouldn't have. The thought that i will never trully deserve Heaven, along with the thought Jesus was tortured for my
                    sins, will never leave me in peace. That's why i want to go to Hell.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Alex McLeod View Post
                      Hell is a state of mind.
                      Maybe, but how does this change the fact that i deserve Hell, according to what i said earlier?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Lost Soul View Post
                        This is not what Christian religion preaches.[...]
                        It is what I learnt about the roman catholic church during religion class in school and during mass.
                        God forgives you everything and you are allowed to be happy and go to heaven later on. The only steps you have to take are forgiving yourself, forgiving others and asking for forgiving. God has already forgiven you and wants you to be happy.
                        "No matter what you do, you must be clear in your conscience." - Sitaigung Ho
                        A single light can eliminate the darkness of millenia.
                        Every moment is precious.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Bernhard View Post
                          God forgives you everything and you are allowed to be happy and go to heaven later on.
                          I know. That's what i said. God forgives us even though we don't deserve it, because he is loving, forgiving
                          and merciful. He knows that, according to his law, we deserve Hell, but he forgives us anyway.
                          My problem is that i don't want something that i don't deserve. The thought that i took something i'm not
                          worthy of will torture me worse than Hell. The thought that an innocent person (Jesus) had to pay for me
                          to enjoy eternal life will be my true Hell. That's why i want to receive my fair eternal conviction.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Smiling from the Heart; Finger Painting

                            Dear Lost Soul,

                            Forgive me if I have missed something. I read the beginning of your speech, then skipped, then skimmed, then didn't bother to continue.

                            You started bravely, admitting your error; then continued, less wisely, delving into your error; and then just foolishly, like finger painting with your own excrement. Excuse the base imagery; it is just what came to mind.

                            I don't know if you care for advice or not. If you do, great. If not, then someone else will surely benefit. Here is the simple advice: stop dwelling on your past mistakes; then practice, or learn then practice, genuine chi kung. Learn to smile from the heart and just do that. You will be amazed.

                            Wishing you all the best.


                            Sifu Charles
                            Charles David Chalmers
                            Brunei Darussalam

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Lost Soul View Post
                              I know. That's what i said. God forgives us even though we don't deserve it, because he is loving, forgiving
                              and merciful. He knows that, according to his law, we deserve Hell, but he forgives us anyway.
                              My problem is that i don't want something that i don't deserve. The thought that i took something i'm not
                              worthy of will torture me worse than Hell. The thought that an innocent person (Jesus) had to pay for me
                              to enjoy eternal life will be my true Hell. That's why i want to receive my fair eternal conviction.
                              Are you sure this isn't another mind game to keep you on the bad side of things?

                              I understand that it might feel scary to start looking at yourself in a positive way if you have been holding onto a negative view for so long. But all it takes is a decision. Stop being miserable and allow yourself to feel happy, blessed, lucky to be alive. Actually being alive is a wonderful gift. If you are religious, feel grateful for this live, instead of blaming your god for wanting to help you, welcome his love and mercy.

                              All the best
                              Enjoy some Wahnam Tai Chi Chuan & Qi Gong!

                              Evening Classes in Zürich
                              Weekend Classes in other Swiss locations


                              Website: www.taichichuan-wahnam.ch
                              Facebook: www.facebook.com/Taichichuan.Wahnam.ch

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