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  • How to Win Friends and Influence People

    Dear Shaolin Wahnam Family,

    I recently finished reading the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". I enjoyed reading this book greatly and it is no surprise that it has been a best seller since it was born.

    According to Time Magazine it is one of the 100 most influential books and one of the best-selling books of all time.

    How many of you have read this book? What is your opinion about it?

    My personal review about this book is positive. I would recommend reading this book to anyone. It provides very useful guidelines for improving the way one interacts with people. Many people would think that "Influencing People" is the same as "Manipulating People". I personally don't agree. What are your thoughts on this? Is influencing people a good thing?

    Here is a list of the guidelines this book proposes in order to improve human relationships:

    A few simple guidelines can pave the way to a fruitful career.

    Become a Friendlier Person
    1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
    2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.
    3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
    4. Become genuinely interested in other people.
    5. Smile.
    6. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
    7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
    8. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
    9. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
    Win People to Your Way of Thinking
    1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
    2. Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “you’re wrong."
    3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
    4. Begin in a friendly way.
    5. Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately.
    6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
    7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
    8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
    9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
    10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
    11. Dramatize your ideas.
    12. Throw down a challenge.
    Be a Leader
    1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
    2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
    3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
    4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
    5. Let the other person save face.
    6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
    7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
    8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
    9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
    Source
    How to Win Friends and Influence People.jpg

    Do you agree with all of these guidelines? if not, which ones you don't agree with? I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

    It can be an interesting discussion as we all have to interact with people every day. :-)

    With Love, Care and Shaolin Salute,

    Santi



  • #2
    Originally posted by sancrica View Post

    Do you agree with all of these guidelines? if not, which ones you don't agree with? I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

    It can be an interesting discussion as we all have to interact with people every day. :-)

    With Love, Care and Shaolin Salute,

    Santi

    Regarding being a leader, guideline 4, ask questions instead of giving direct orders, if the leader is a general or commander on the battlefield, I believe it is better to give direct orders than to ask questions to those under his or her command as they will look to the general or commander for clear directions rather than questions.

    With Shaolin Salute,
    Lee Wei Joo
    http://shaolinwahnammalaysia.com/

    Comment


    • #3
      Dear Sidai,

      Originally posted by LeeWeiJoo View Post

      Regarding being a leader, guideline 4, ask questions instead of giving direct orders, if the leader is a general or commander on the battlefield, I believe it is better to give direct orders than to ask questions to those under his or her command as they will look to the general or commander for clear directions rather than questions.

      With Shaolin Salute,
      Lee Wei Joo
      Thank you for your wonderful contribution. It is kindly appreciated. :-)

      I believe that Sifu's quote of "the answer can be yes, no, yes and no, neither yes nor no" would perfectly fit in the discussion. I agree that sometimes direct orders are necessary but many other times giving suggestions or asking questions might bring better results and much faster.

      The book says that "No one likes to take orders" and that human nature might be more collaborative when we give suggestions and ask questions instead of direct orders.

      An example of this could be as follows:

      When being in a restaurant, I can say to the waiter "bring me some bread now" or I can say "can you bring me some bread?".

      Which one is more effective? I would think that the second one. Of course, if the waiter does not bring me the bread after having asked nicely, I may have to used a different approach.

      In the book itself, some examples of great leaders are presented in a very comprehensible way. Some of those leaders were even presidents of the United States. I was very surprised to see them using many softs approaches when leading what probably is the most powerful country in the world.

      One example of this approach is shared in the book:

      Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time - even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.

      Dan Santarelli, a teacher at a vocational school in Wyoming, Pennsylvania, told one of our classes how one of his students had blocked the entrance way to one of the school’s shops by illegally parking his car in it.

      One of the other instructors stormed into the classroom and asked in an arrogant tone, “Whose car is blocking the driveway?"

      When the student who owned the car responded, the instructor screamed: “Move that car and move it right now, or I’ll wrap a chain around it and drag it out of there.”

      Now that student was wrong. The car should not have been parked there. But from that day on, not only did that student resent the instructor’s action, but all the students in the class did everything they could to give the instructor a hard time and make his job unpleasant.

      How could he have handled it differently? If he had asked in a friendly way,“Whose car is in the driveway?” and then suggested that if it were moved, other cars could get in and out, the student would have gladly moved it and neither he nor his classmates would have been upset and resentful.

      Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
      Dear sidai, would you agree that many times it would be better to ask people nicely to do something instead of giving a direct order? When you have to lead people, which approach/es did you find to be often the best possible approach/es?

      If you ask me about my own preferences, when others lead me, I prefer that they ask me to do things nicely and giving me suggestions instead of just giving me direct orders.

      Maybe more people are willing to join the discussion and offer the best approaches they found when leading others and explain their reasons?

      With Love, Care and Shaolin Salute,

      Santi



      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by sancrica View Post


        Dear sidai, would you agree that many times it would be better to ask people nicely to do something instead of giving a direct order? When you have to lead people, which approach/es did you find to be often the best possible approach/es?

        If you ask me about my own preferences, when others lead me, I prefer that they ask me to do things nicely and giving me suggestions instead of just giving me direct orders.

        Maybe more people are willing to join the discussion and offer the best approaches they found when leading others and explain their reasons?

        With Love, Care and Shaolin Salute,

        Santi


        Dear Santi Siheng,

        Yes, I agree that many times it would be better to ask people nicely to do something instead of giving a direct order. When I have to lead people, such as teaching my students, I use both approaches.

        Again, coming back to Sifu's quote of "the answer can be yes, no, yes and no, neither yes nor no", I can also say that many times it would be better to give a direct order than to ask people nicely. Of course, here when giving the order I can do it nicely as well. It does not mean that one has to be hard or rude when giving orders. Often times it is the method and approach that matters more than what is being said.

        That is why in the above comment I specifically gave the example of a general on a battlefield giving out clear, direct orders rather than asking his men what to do. In a dire situation when split second decisions can determine life or death for his men, the general must give his orders with confidence and straightforwardness. This will in turn inspire his men.

        Just for fun, if you happen to see someone about to fall into the drain while walking, do you yell for him to stop immediately, or do you ask him nicely whether he should stop?

        With Shaolin Salute,
        Lee Wei Joo
        http://shaolinwahnammalaysia.com/

        Comment


        • #5
          Santi Siheng,

          I remember reading this book in my college days and being greatly impressed. Many of the lessons have stuck with me to this day, and my Shaolin training has echoed, and helped me implement many of Carnegie's teaching. Thanks for the synopsis of his points.

          Yours,

          Charles

          Charles David Chalmers
          Brunei Darussalam

          Comment


          • #6
            Dear Shaolin Wahnam Family,

            Originally posted by LeeWeiJoo View Post

            Dear Santi Siheng,

            Yes, I agree that many times it would be better to ask people nicely to do something instead of giving a direct order. When I have to lead people, such as teaching my students, I use both approaches.

            Again, coming back to Sifu's quote of "the answer can be yes, no, yes and no, neither yes nor no", I can also say that many times it would be better to give a direct order than to ask people nicely. Of course, here when giving the order I can do it nicely as well. It does not mean that one has to be hard or rude when giving orders. Often times it is the method and approach that matters more than what is being said.

            That is why in the above comment I specifically gave the example of a general on a battlefield giving out clear, direct orders rather than asking his men what to do. In a dire situation when split second decisions can determine life or death for his men, the general must give his orders with confidence and straightforwardness. This will in turn inspire his men.

            Just for fun, if you happen to see someone about to fall into the drain while walking, do you yell for him to stop immediately, or do you ask him nicely whether he should stop?

            With Shaolin Salute,
            Lee Wei Joo
            Thank you Sidai for your wonderful contribution. It is kindly appreciated.

            Regarding to your question I agree with you that I would yell for him to stop immediately. :-)

            What do you think about the other principles for being a good leader? For example: "Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly". I found it to be extremely effective. I have observed Sifu using it all the time while in class. Do you use this principle in your own class and when dealing with people?

            Originally posted by Charles David View Post
            Santi Siheng,

            I remember reading this book in my college days and being greatly impressed. Many of the lessons have stuck with me to this day, and my Shaolin training has echoed, and helped me implement many of Carnegie's teaching. Thanks for the synopsis of his points.

            Yours,

            Charles
            Thank you Sidai for contributing to this thread and for your kind words. :-)

            Your answer arose in me some questions. You have wide experience teaching in different countries. Did you have to change your approach in the way you teach when you moved abroad? if yes, which approaches were most effective depending on the country you were in?

            I have experienced that some cultures are more straight forward and more imperative than others. A good example could be Spain. When talking to others, the imperative form is often used and language is usually very direct. Many students coming to Spain for learning purposes have a cultural shock and, at first, think that Spanish people are rude.

            Other cultures are much softer in form and more indirect. A good example can be Ireland. When I lived there, I found it to be more indirect when pointing out mistakes and the use of imperative could be considered quite rude. My managers often used "the asking questions" approach instead of giving me direct orders.

            I would keep sharing some of my thoughts about the principles mentioned in the book. Your contribution and the contribution of all Wahnam family members are greatly appreciated as will enhance and enrich this thread deeply.

            With Love, Care and Shaolin Salute,

            Santi

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by sancrica View Post



              Thank you Sidai for your wonderful contribution. It is kindly appreciated.

              Regarding to your question I agree with you that I would yell for him to stop immediately. :-)

              What do you think about the other principles for being a good leader? For example: "Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly". I found it to be extremely effective. I have observed Sifu using it all the time while in class. Do you use this principle in your own class and when dealing with people?


              Dear Santi Siheng,

              Yes, I use the principle of "Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly" when teaching in my classes. When I notice a student performing a pattern wrongly, I will then demonstrate said pattern in front of the whole class and point out the mistakes and then demonstrate the correct pattern, without mentioning the student who made the mistake. If the student goes on to repeat the same mistake, I will then point out the mistake to the student directly.

              Thank you for sharing with us your experiences in Spain and in Ireland. I did not know about this aspect of their culture until now

              With Shaolin Salute,
              Lee Wei Joo

              http://shaolinwahnammalaysia.com/

              Comment


              • #8
                Dear Shaolin Wahnam Family,

                Originally posted by LeeWeiJoo View Post

                Dear Santi Siheng,

                Yes, I use the principle of "Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly" when teaching in my classes. When I notice a student performing a pattern wrongly, I will then demonstrate said pattern in front of the whole class and point out the mistakes and then demonstrate the correct pattern, without mentioning the student who made the mistake. If the student goes on to repeat the same mistake, I will then point out the mistake to the student directly.

                Thank you for sharing with us your experiences in Spain and in Ireland. I did not know about this aspect of their culture until now

                With Shaolin Salute,
                Lee Wei Joo
                Thank you dear Sidai for another wonderful contribution and for sharing your experience in your classroom.

                Regarding some more comments about the principles this book suggest I would like to share today my thoughts on the following ones:
                1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation
                2. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
                One of the things that I have valued most from Sifu's guidance has been the times when he has openly declared in front of a class or personal messages that he was proud of me. I know that this might not provoke always the same effect in everyone but in me it always opened my heart greatly. If a Shaolin Grandmaster was openly declaring that he was proud of me it must be true that I am going into the right direction. And that is all I needed to know. Knowing that I am doing it right.

                In fact, many times, when Sifu wrote me and expressed that he was very proud of me I could not contain my tears. I don't remember having heard those words from any of my teachers.

                This has been a great lesson for me because I know how much "praise and honest appreciation" can mean to someone who is going through challenging times. I now apply it in my daily life and I can see that, when I do, the other person flowers and open his heart.

                Later, those words made me want to become the best person I could be. They gave me a fine reputation to live up to. A Shaolin Grandmaster was proud of me so I had to live up to those standards and making him proud of my progress and the person I was becoming.

                I know that those 2 things might not have changed everyones life here in the school but they changed mine because I learned how to love myself.

                With Love, Care and Shaolin Salute,

                Santi



                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by sancrica View Post

                  Regarding some more comments about the principles this book suggest I would like to share today my thoughts on the following ones:
                  1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation
                  2. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
                  One of the things that I have valued most from Sifu's guidance has been the times when he has openly declared in front of a class or personal messages that he was proud of me. I know that this might not provoke always the same effect in everyone but in me it always opened my heart greatly. If a Shaolin Grandmaster was openly declaring that he was proud of me it must be true that I am going into the right direction. And that is all I needed to know. Knowing that I am doing it right.

                  In fact, many times, when Sifu wrote me and expressed that he was very proud of me I could not contain my tears. I don't remember having heard those words from any of my teachers.

                  This has been a great lesson for me because I know how much "praise and honest appreciation" can mean to someone who is going through challenging times. I now apply it in my daily life and I can see that, when I do, the other person flowers and open his heart.

                  Later, those words made me want to become the best person I could be. They gave me a fine reputation to live up to. A Shaolin Grandmaster was proud of me so I had to live up to those standards and making him proud of my progress and the person I was becoming.

                  I know that those 2 things might not have changed everyones life here in the school but they changed mine because I learned how to love myself.

                  With Love, Care and Shaolin Salute,

                  Santi


                  Thank you, Siheng, for sharing this with us. My own heart flowered and opened on reading your post. How blessed we are to be a part of this wonderful family

                  Thank you, Sifu and family.

                  With Shaolin Salute,
                  Lee Wei Joo
                  http://shaolinwahnammalaysia.com/

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Dear Shaolin Wahnam Family,

                    Originally posted by LeeWeiJoo View Post

                    Thank you, Siheng, for sharing this with us. My own heart flowered and opened on reading your post. How blessed we are to be a part of this wonderful family

                    Thank you, Sifu and family.

                    With Shaolin Salute,
                    Lee Wei Joo
                    Thank you dear Sidai for your kind words. I am glad that my post brought you benefits. We are very blessed to be part of this wonderful family. :-)

                    Today I will share with you some thoughts on another of the principles the book mentions:

                    - Arouse in the other person an eager want.

                    I have observed Sifu using this principle all the time. I am specially inspired when he uses it with senior and elderly people. Sifu sometimes shows them how Chi Kung can make them agile, powerful and with plenty of energy even when they are more than 70 by performing a flying kick and then rolling about!

                    There is a recent video interview from Today FM Radio in Ireland that I personally love. It shows that kick and roll that I am referring to (at 0:54 in the video). I am sure that you have seen this kick and roll in many of Sifu's courses. :-)



                    When there are senior and elderly participants in a Chi Kung course and Sifu shows that kick and roll I always love to observe their faces. They look at Sifu with amazement and their faces glow. Sifu connect with that eager want so masterfully.

                    With Love, Care and Shaolin Salute,

                    Santi

                    Comment

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